lucas aiden....first christmas

just thought id share...
merry christmas lucas...
love you

to my newbies...

well..
what a pleasant surprise today
i checked my email and have new comments
thank you is all i can say
i dont even think, really, when i write these
they just come out
like my fingers are just moving

thank you thank you thank you my new readers
your words mean a lot


i tried to stay positive during christmas
tried to think of him laughing and opening gifts or eating the paper
watching my nephew who is only a little older, i think a month or so...
i thought of him
i thought of aiden
i thought of joe and rick laughing with him
and how thankful they must be to have a "family" this year
and while my heart and body ached this year
thoughts of their happines made the pain a little less harsh
i think my illness, the flu, or whatever i had could have been due to the gut wrenching crying i did on chrismas eve
after the kids went to bed, i wrapped and built and then just stared at the tree lights....blurred by tears...
but i was ok
i am ok
these next few weeks are going to be really hard for me
i am anitcipating the visit i am going to have with him
jan 17th
i am going to see him
to hold him again
and again, have to give him back
i am sure the visits will get easier as the years pass....but please
say a little prayer for me
that in the month to come...that i hold it together
i am sure i will
on the outside
but i am scared, nervous, excited....
and really mixed up...
just keep me in your thoughts...please
i am not backing out of this visit!

flashbacks

so...
i just thought i would blog this
last week, i had some female problems and was rushed into magee er
everything is fine,
but it didnt even dawn on me until leaving the building
i hadnt been there since i left aiden...
and it came rushing over me like a huge wave of emotion
that feeling
of stepping off of that elevator
with my legs weak
tears flowing uncontrolably and the nurse in the elevator holding me
i loved her
she sat with me every night there..
she wasnt a nurse...she was the blood pressure lady
lol
but she stayed to walk me out
asking me if i was sure..



the lump returned



i sat in the lobby...
looking at the big windows
and i never wanted out of one place so much in my life

wish you were here

the day is slowly appraoching
the day fo aidens birth
and on feb 2
i dont know what i am going to do
i think i will save money and shop
and clean
and i dont fucking know
i was reminded again last night of him
going through christmas pictures,
my pregnant belly
i thought no one would see
and some really probably didnt...
cause they are too caught up in them selves to notice
but i looked
and i remember how i just wanted it to be over
and now i long for him to be back in there
feeling him kick
and holding my belly
i rearranged my closet
and there it was
the box
do you know that i can still smell him on that hat
looking at that pacifier
i almost fell to the floor last night
holding that blanket to my face
i actually held the cloth that i wiped my mascarad tears with
i hate that box and i would like to have someone that is close to me
keep it for me
i dont want to throw it away,
but i cannot have it in my house anymore
i sat and looked at all the pictures from the hospital
and i felt the room closing in on me
i lose my breath
i can feel me heart beating
and i am numb
he doesnt even know me
and i dont know what i am doing
do i just get rid of everything
i wish i could get rid of all this shit in my head
all of it
but most of all
i wish he was here
all the time

happy first thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving...
aiden
lucas aiden
happy first thanksgiving....
i am thinking of you
and i am missing my own as they spend the day with their dad
i am thinking of you
i am thinking of you
always.......


happy thanksgiving
rick and joe,
please hug him for me
give him an extra kiss and hug
tell him i love him
and gobble gobble...



happy thanksgiving

i dont know

i am not sure where i am going with this...
i have been thinking a lot of aiden today...
i sent the dads an email
i want to see him
and i decided to do it before the first birthday...
i dont think i can handle letting him go again on the same day just one year later
and in that same thought...
i am fearing groundhog day
yep that is the day he was born
so anyway
i am scared
and i am getting these sick feelings when i think of seeing him
like actually painful stomach pains
and i am scared
but it is something i have to do for myself
i have been crying a lot lately
thinking of him alot more than i did
wishing i had seen him throughout this year
why am i always regretting?
i am such a what if i did this type of person
and it drives me crazy


i am going crazy lately....
really
i dont know what is wrong with me

his little voice

these are the latest...aiden's first halloween....

this is my favorite.....soooooooooooo cute

too cute

i love when i can blog happy

lol

i finally got to talk to rick and joe on the phone and as i was talking to rick

i could hear him in the background...

yelling, happy...playing...

and i said is that lucas....

yeah...here...do you want to talk to him?

and i said yes

and for three seconds...my whole world stopped

it felt like an hour went by

my heart beating...

i flashed back to that moment...

and i could smell him

and then i hear...him

i said hello lucas.....i love you

and then this warm feeling, of happines and sadness and tears

and i just sat on my kitchen floor...

and i was talking to him, hearing him laugh...they said he was clapping and my head was spinning

and i felt like i couldnt breathe

and then i heard him giggle again

they laugh with him

and

i didnt want to hang up the phone..

i just wanted to hear him breathe

lol

they are so happy

and he is so happy

and well i geuss that makes me happy also...

everyday is hard...

but i n moments like this

the moments that i sit and think...

i made this family complete

i made them happy

and i did something monumental...

he is sooooooo happy

he is with his family

a family that loves him...completely

some days are hard

and others are ok

and days like this are a mix

i am happy to hear from them

and horribly heart broken that he is not with me

i dont know if i will ever be ok with it

but the wound is healing.......SLOWLY

i love him

i love his parents

and i love that i am the only mother he will ever know

"birthmother"

but mother none the less...

new pics

these are the newest

how cute is he?

please

recently
i have been doing a lot of thinking
thinking of why
thinking of why i did this....
why i dont think about him
why i block him out
and when i let him in
i ache
why no one knows about this beautiful baby
why do i hate myself so much
why
why why
i could go on and on
i put myself out here
vulnerable
all my thoughts and fears and feelings....
all for the hope that someone may try to understand how i feel


well
i get mixed emotions from people
lots of hate
lots of "what kind of person are you...
you are no mother...
what kind of mother...."

so i need to vent
and here i go


i am a good mother
i may not have tons of money and my kids may not have tons of vacations, and trips to the mall and i may yell alot
but i am here
my lap and my heart and my ears and arms are always open for them
we talk about everything
any questions they have
i answer honestly
we play and laugh
and sometimes we all fight and cry
but i love them
and the love they have for me is overwhelming


I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER
i am not a bad mother because i gave aiden away
i loved him enough to know that alot of people would have never loved him like i do
i loved him enough to give him to two parents that longed for a child and may have thought they were never gonna have one...
he made them a family
he has a family


and maybe i say these things because i am trying to convince myself
maybe

i dont know
all i know is that today i am wreck
i want him here crawling on my floor
crying for me
i want to be going crazy with laundry and kids and caos
(not that i am not already)

but i geuss i just want to be alright
I JUST WANT TO BE OK


i want everyone to leave me the fuck alone
and realize that your words hurt me
that i hurt everyday because i dont have him
and all you are doing is making it worse
do you know that?

my anonymous commenter
i am hurting
and i am crying again and i hate you
and i cannot wait for the day when i find out who it is

are you that cruel of a person to bring up feelings like this
i know what i did
i know
i know
we all know


i miss him every single fucking day of my life
i regret so much
everyday of my life
and i cant do it anymore


]please
i am begging you
please leave me alone
please let me move on

please

today

i had him brought to my attention today
my little ground hog day baby
i felt it again
his breath
my tears
the pain
i didnt know it could still be so fresh
i ache for him

aiden

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

eight months ago.......

here he is
eight months old
as much as i dont want to think about him anymore
my dreams are filled with him
i have been waking up with that lump in my throat lately
and having to hold back
i dont want to cry anymore
i dont
look at his little feet
i want to see him
to touch him
but the thought of the pain of having to leave him again is so overwhelming, that i am scared i am never going to want to see him...
i loved him enough to give him this wonderful life he has
at least that's what i keep telling myself
oh well
sigh..........................

baby goes to aruba!!!!

sweet.......

how cute is he....

breaks my heart

and melts it all at the same time

he has so much love

i just wanted to say........

i miss him......
i smelled him last night
in my dream
i miss him

no i didnt

i have not updated in a while
trying to stay away
from everything
out of site out of mind
yeah
i wish it worked that way
i did not go see aiden
i was sick to my stomach for the weeks before and now
i just feel like i have let him down
as i have many others in my life time and again
i just couldnt bring myself to touch him again
to go through that pain again
selfish?
yeah probably
i think of him more now than ever
wondering if he is clapping, sitting, crawling
wondering if he is wants my arms to hold him
the first hand that touched his...
it rips me apart daily
i hate this

lucas aiden got baptized

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AcNm7Zs3ZtWL3w&emid=sharview&linkid=link2
aiden
got baptized
enjoy

almost 5 months

this is an updated picture of aiden

he is growing so fast

i look so forward to my visit in july

get it out

so apparently
you all dont like to hear the truth
the feelings i have
then dont come here
dont read this page
cause it feels like i am at a stand still
i will talk about it
type about it
i just dont know how to move on
in my alone time
all i do is think of him
and i think of josh
how he must feel
he has no idea about aiden...
about how i feel
but i feel the same of him
i just never ever talked about it
no one does
it just happened
i wonder if he ever wants to be here
with me
with his brothers and sisters
i wonder
i wonder why i dont talk to him about it
brushed under the rug
the way most of my problems throughout my life, from as long as i can remember
have been taken care of
not talked about
i dont want him to be like that
to not talk
talk
type
write
just get it out
i just have so much regret
i just dont know how to let go
of it all
i dont know
just babbling now
blah blah blah
dont mind me.....

remember this

after therapy last night...
and this rough week i have had...
i just want to crawl into a whole and sleep....
just sleep
i dont want to eat
i dont want to be awake...
i would love 24 hours of darkness....
talking to her last night made me not only realize that i was wrong to give him away
but now i will never have him back
i will get my visits
and now i have to press on
HOW
can someone tell me how to do this
i am much better with direction or and instructional pamphlet
my hands are shaking and i have tears streaming
I HATE THIS
it is such a helpless feeling....so fucking helpless



ok....and one side note


if you are going to comment on my blogs
i welcome you good and bad...
but put your fucking name on it...
not
birth
not you know who


michelle it is ok to comment on here...
mom you too
just let me know that it is you



for sure


i am tired of getting all these comments about how i need to be ok for my kids...
do you think for one second they see me cry or hurt or any of it.....they dont


i am leaving this go for a while...enjoy the HOT weather and my space from all of you....
just leave this alone
this has been turned into something that it should not be
remember when reading...


THIS IS MY BLOG
WHERE I WRITE IT DOWN AND LET IT GO
WHERE I AM ABLE TO FEEL
HONESTLY


remember that

yes....it still hurts

i have been doing everything in my power to not come to this page
i cant stand it, sometimes, that this page even exists
or that i had to have one
or that.....


i hate every day that he is not with me
i hate myself
for letting others influence any of my thoughts
and i hate
at the end of the day
i cannot make this ok
i cannot get him back

i just want to say
please
can i have him back now
please
i m his mother
i made a horrible decision
i can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore

it is not getting better
it is the same
if not worse

out of site out of mind
NOT
neither is the pain

no one understands it
and no one EVER will

stop pretending to care
stop trying to get close to me
to use this situation to try to bond with me

i am so tired of everyone using this baby
this adopotion to get to me
i dont like me anymore
how can a mother give up her son
the race card is old
i hate that i even began to think i understood that reason
because he is black....he couldnt be loved
and i hate that i gave into the concept of no one else could love him
accept him
well fuck you
fuck all of you that couldnt
i love him
i could have loved him enough for everyone that didnt
and what
he would have been looked at differently in school
what school
harvard
yale
not woodland hills
not anywhere

i am so mad at myself for listening to all of you
everyone
but most of all
for letting myself make a life changing decision
one that i will never be able to make right
this is a loss like no other
i wish for one fucking second that one of you could feel the hollowness that i endure daily
and people have the balls to ask whats wrong


I have a son that i miss more than you could ever imagine
he is with two men that dont even care if i am here or not
they sure did talk a good game
i gave him a name that he will never know
a name he will never be called
he will never call for me
mama


fuck

so to answer all your questions and concerns....
YES
it still fucking hurts
the more time that passes, the bigger the ache becomes
and there is no amount of therapy
or medicine
that is going to take that away

NOTHING will


yes
i want him back
everyday i regret
i hate it

just an update

havent talked much to the dads in a while
i rarely talk to rick
joe calls every now and again to see how i am doing
but it seems, now that they have all the legal stuff
and medical bills paid for .....
contact is minimal


oh well i geuss that is the way this thing goes
i am glad that they call at all

i dont
i dont call at all
i am afraid of hearing him
or just feeling like i am interrupting


i am going to see him july 19th

i hope i am ok



i am


i just dont like not knowing anything
and everything
not feeding him
or comforting him
like after doctors appointments withshots
or holding him just because

not being the one he cries for


it still hurts
everyday
i hide it a lot more now



it aches so much sometimes, i just dont know what to do with myself
i thought writing would help, but they edit the shit out of that....
and it turns out something they want, not what i wrote, or what i felt
so i get pissed at that too....


i miss him everyday
i can still feel his breath in my dreams
see his little hand holding mine


i geuss i will always miss him...
always

Just in case.....

JUST IN CASE NO ONE READ DEBS BLOG

For Jenn
Today , the day before Mother's Day... I want to take a moment to reflect on an intense experience I was a part of this year. It is an extra special day for me to observe and an intense recognition for one person in my life and it is important to me to take the time to do so.Happy Mother's Day to my incredible friend Jenn.I think of you everyday but today and tomorrow especially as we celebrate: yes I did say celebrate. All that you have brought to this world, all you have brought to another family's life, all the difficult choices made that I know you still struggle with today. I embrace it with you because I know... I know... that the struggle can be overwhelming and dark.When there is nothing left to do but embrace it.. I will grasp it with both arms and squeeze with you.I know today is special for you in a way much different from tomorrow's celebration. I smile with you remembering what a special time it was to be invited to share. For Aiden, for you. :) Have a beautiful and happy day. I am proud of the person you are, have always been and are becoming. Each day chisels out a new piece of my oldest and dearest friend. For being simply my friend I thank you. For being so real , the world thanks you.Love ,d


my true blue friend...
she called me saturday
the only one
saturday was Birthmoms Day
little meaning to most...
to me
just made me think of him ...
i cry still
i struggle daily
saturday was hard......



i love debs words and i am typing this through tears
thank you debby
because without her, i dont know how i would be getting through most of the minutes of the day
even though sometimes i fall of the earth for a few days, i know when i come back...
she is there
waiting for an update
ready to hold on to me if i am ready to collapse
and always a funny word or two to make me laugh....

i love ya deb

3 moths old

this is the newest picture of him...
he looks so old....

wow

anyway, the whole birth mothers day ...nada

mothers day....ok

but i heard nothing from the dads

i should have figured as much

they are busy...

yeah

sure

nothing much new

i submitted my article last week
for the adoption web site
and also the newsletter they mail out to birthmoms and women that are pregnant looking for families to adopt..but arent sure...
i am proud of the piece i wrote...
i was terribly nervous to submitt it...
i took it from this web site and elaborated on it
my true feelings.
putting myself out there...
even with this blog..i get a lot of responses good and bad....
so i am anxious to see what is to come
i am very proud of it and will let you all know when it is published...
i am actually getting paid for this..
it is monthly
my own column...
i don't have a title yet
they want me to come up with one quickly
anywho...
mky next post will be about "Birthmoms Day"
it is saturday
the day before mothers day
it is actually celebrated ....
we shall see what happens
what kind of mood i am in...etfc
i want to say one thing
i dont publish all of the comments that get sent to me on this web site...
only the ones i want ..you all can see
but i want to thank all of you that keep checking back
all of you that comment ....the good and the bad
it lets me know, sort of with out having to say it...all of you are in my corner...
NO MATTER WHAT
love you guys

almost three months old

so this is the latest..

i think we are finally done with all the legal hoopla...

even though i am totally disgusted with the process....why i had to be involved with any of the "after" paper work is beyond me...but i did and i did it with no complaint to them...

i hate that most of the people invloved think that i am stupid...that i dont know my rights in all of this...or think that i do not know how to communicate like a human...or should i say an adult....an educated adult

oh well...

i geuss that is the role that i played

poor white girl got knocked up by some looser and left for ......DUMB?

oh well....ill jump through whatever hoops i gotta ....

not going to risk my relationship with him ..

aiden...lucas....with his daddy.....april....almost three months old...

words....

thinking of aiden today
i talked to dads yesterday on the phone
their words touched me
joe told me
we lay lucas down everynight on the blanket that you wrapped him in at the hospital and tell him of his mother...
what a beautiful boy
what beautiful people they truly are...

sweet little aiden..........

look at this little sweet face..

the innocence of being a baby..

he is so frakin cute

i was thinking of him alot today

kind of emotional

i am wondering what will become of this...this relationship

"birth"mother and son

what is going to become of my relationship with his fathers

who know i geuss

only time can tell.............

train wreck

i have come to realize this pain is a part of me
and the tears can resurface at any time

this morning....
lily was getting into the truck to go to school
and just the way she turned around to look at me
she said
"mom, i really love you"
and then gave me a little smile

i shut the door and broke down
i feel so guilty
like i have missed alot of time with them these past few months
because of the time i have spent sulking
crying
i feel so selfish
and then i feel so guilty for being selfish

i am a train wreck

i havent shed a tear in weeks
and today
like a flood

her little face
his little face

smile

well...how cute is that

aiden's first smile picture

he weighs 13 pounds now

got good report from doctors..

he looks happy

happy easter

here is the updated photos of aiden...

he enjoyed his easter..

i cannot wait to see a picture of him smiling!

mixed emotions today...

i only get emails when i ask for them

i asked them for easter pics of him...

...so no complaints i geuss...lol

he is beautiful and it is still heart wrenching to see him somewhere else

i am jealous

new feeling

i am jealous

i am angry

but i am soooo fucking jealous of them

that they get to see his first smile

his first easter

it hurts...but the pain is alot more dull now...

i get a lump in my throat everytime i see him

and i suppose that is going to happen forever

i dont talk about him anymore

i dont want to

just here

thats it

i dont want to talk about him

i dont know.....

i bet you are all wondering what happened..
i have been trying to avoid this page
trying to avoid everything about it
i had a hard weekend..
easter
his first easter
seeing logan, my nephew often reminds me of him...
all their "first's" are the same
so ...
well
anyway
i havent heard how aidens was..
i dont hear from them much
and i geuss that is where i am now
pissed
that while i was preggers
well..i heard from the dads all the time..
emails
phone calls
everything
now
it is almost like they got what they wanted and see ya
they send me pictures when i ask
but it just sucks
i never expected anything in return..nothing
i knew what i was doing
but come on
i mean
i dont know how to explain this without sounding like a spoiled brat
i gave them their family
a life
my son
and well, i would just expect alittle more...
a little more communication
something
some sense that i am appreciated
i dont know if this is coming out right
i mean
i wonder if they still talk about me
if they still tell him about me
i just dont wanna be faded out
i am gonna stop
i dont want to hurt anyones feelings...
i hate this whole thing
i wish ALL the feelings would go away.......

the latest

here is the neweset pictures of aiden.....

cute..

he is getting big...

and

i love that they tried the hat on a ludwig head..........lol

good times are a comin...i can feel it

i havent heard from the dads in a while
i geuss working and taking care of aiden ...well i know how being with the kiddos can be
i have been trying not to think of him
focusing on my kids
my house ....
today i actually stripped the kitchen
scrubbed
yesterday i began the excercise routine
i havent ran since last hmmmmmmmmmmmm..... august?
ahem
yeah
so
i woke up completely miserable sunday
decided that sunday was the day
found out that i could run the track at good old woody high
off i went
no kids
jareds ipod thingy ( yeah....i dont even have one....mp4.mp3 ... whatever)
lol
so i start off walking..thinking of him
it started to snow
lightly
i was alone there
and i started to run
run
run
and then all of a sudden
out of no where
the tears
do you know how hard it is to cry and run after having a baby
being fat
not being able to breathe and for some reason
i could not for the life of me control the tears....
and let me tell you...i havent even walked for how long
i ran
i got pissed cause everything started to hurt
and usually i would just quit
i ran
i cried
the pain i felt in my legs....
it was good pain
my lungs hurt
and after i couldnt run anymore
i screamed
lmao
yep
i layed in the middle of the soccer field
and let it out
crying
hope no one was trying to come onto the track
..who the hell is this freakish,big ass woman laying and screaming
..anyway
yeah
that was me
my new outlet
fuck being unhealthy..well i havent started changing any foods or anything...
come on people..one step at a time right
and if this means that i get alone time with my thoughts
with no kids
no dj
well, folks..
i may be down to my abercrombie weight in no time

by the way...
i did 2 miles
i cannot walk today
but i did
put collin in the stroller and walked
can anyone say
shin splints
and i feel like someone broke my ribs...

it is a good day
lol

im back

i am back
i know how everyone worries and well..
i hooked up the old dinosaur computer
lol
i am doing a lot better
or not
i dont know
i just know that i am not dwelling
that is the first step on my list
not too dwell
i am taking my time in the morning
breathe
when all else fails.........breathe
then i go about the day
i have come to terms with the fact that i am never going to get over these feelings
i have to learn how to cope with the hurt
wether it be blogs
talking
therapy
whatever
i just need to realize i have no control over this one
i cannot hide it
i cannot just put it aside

a little update

so, i just wanted to let everyone know...
i am gonna take some time off
i am forced...
soemthing is wrong with the computer...
ANYWHOOOO....
it is good though
i need to spend time with my laundry and dust bunnies...
i actually got the whole attic cleaned and dusted and sheets washed today.......
~no mom....NOT THE CLOSET...no on can see that..lmao
anyway
i got an update from the dads
lucas is doing well
he is now over 11lbs
got his first shots
and dad is on his way back to work
paternity leave is over...
maybe now he can get a little tiny speck of what i feel day to day
dj and i talked alot this week about him...for the first time
it felt good.
i am feeling a little better tooo...
still missing him
still wishing i could put that box away..
not yet
not time
its coming though...
there is more laughter than tears
and a lot less laundry!

new picture of aiden...

thelma and louise

i love instant messaging.......
it is so funny that i could sit and type for hours with my bud...
.my firiend of almost 20 years (Or is it longer than that........holy shit i can say i have a friend of twenty plus years..we are getting old) and literlaly laugh so hard and loud
i almost woke the kids
laugh til i almost peed myselfi just had to say..
thank you deb
now i know when i am feeling blue,
i will just remember that we are gonna go to graceland
scream on all the roller coasters
we are gonna get ourselves back....
and when i really need to laugh..
i will justjust think of jaba at the end of the island...
telling his wife how much YOU like to snack,
or us in helmets and harnesses on the tight rope
or the funniest one yet...........i will just think of the fat girl that ate our highschool friend
christ..........
i love it
you have been with me on this long road and maybe just maybe
with you and our laughter
it may not be so long
thank you for tonight

just for me

i am fine...
as far as fine goes...
my kids do not see me cry
they see mom...
they come home, i am usually making their snack.....
they play, we all have dinner together, we do homework and they get bathed and go to bed
everything in their world is just the same
collin and i play cars, watch movies and read books, play, he helps me clean...
i have my computer time in the am while he sleeps...
everything is fine in their world...
i want everyone that reads these blogs to realize...
the thoughts that i share here..
they are feelings that i dump here
they may not last all day
but then again, some do...
i type and leave and usually do not come back to this unless there are comments posted and then i read what i wrote
i cannot say that i feel the same way everyday
i do however have the ache, the lump, the emptiniess all the time....
but do not worry
i am good at hiding things
i have done it all my life
i am good at it
fuck...half of my family didnt even know i was pregnant
that still pisses me off too...
another secret
i had just got out from under all of my secrets...
all of my wrongs were being mended..
everything was going well...
and then....i do that
but...aiden shouldn't be a secret
but god forbid that i upset anyone ..
anyway...that is a whole other issue that i dont wanna get into now......
i just want everyone to know...i dont lay around and cry
if i feel it coming on, or feel like i get emotional..i take it to the bathroom
christ....dj doesnt even know i cry anymore
so family, friends...
set your minds at ease
i dont cry in front of anyone..
my family is fine
my kids are wonderful
i can take care of me
i dont need anyone to do it for me
so stop telling me that my family needs me
just stop
not one of you reading this blog knows what the fuck i am going through
nor can you tell me how much time i should have
let me describe this to you in a way that you may understand
imagine you got pregnant
and the doctor tells you that you can have the baby but he i sick and will be taken away after he is born....
the whole time you are pregnant, you know that you are not going to be the one that takes care of him, or that will be with him, but you will see him occasionally
and you think you are alright..
that you will be fine
then he is born and they lay him on top of you and you look in his eyes
and he is you
then a few days later he is gone forever
and that is the part that hurts alot...
it is literally painful
people...
i dont know how to tell you how i am feeling
all i know is it sucks
and i know that i fucking made this choice..
but shit,
it hurts..
its like a mourning..
so like i have said before....
if you click on the page and read
then you should be happy that i am talking about it
that i am using this page to vent..
to sort through this haze
these feelings that i have never felt before
i used this page to vent
this is for me
this is just mine

let me go

i am sitting here..
collin taking a nap is very unusual and so is the site of my house being clean
so inbetween loads of laundry i am thinking of him today
i am thinking of a lot
why
why did i do it
why did i let him go
i am a coward
the words "to give him a better life"
sure
easy
did i give lily away to give her a better life
abby
collin
i know the reasons
deep down are true
i know the acceptance thing
i know i would lose my husband
but he is mine
was mine
and these thoughts are really starting to drive me crazy
and everyone keeps giving me things to do to keep my mind off of it...
but i have come to realize today is that
I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT THINK OF HIM
AND EVERYTHING I DO MAKES ME THINK OF HIM
i am not washing his clothes
and when i make koolaid...i should be making bottles
and when i change collins diaper..is should be changing his
i started to scapbook again ..... should i be doing one for him
i have the box of the things i kept from the hospital
i opened the box and inside was the onesie and hat he wore when he was with me...
the first blanket that he was wrapped in when they gave him to me....
his pacifier that was left on the bed when they took him from me....
my bracelet and i begin again to cry .....
uncontrollably...
people
there is a hole in my heart that is just never going to mend
let me go
leave me alone for a while
dont ask if i want to go anwhere because i dont
dont ask if i want to fucking excersise, or go for a walk
because i dont want to
dont fucking ask me if i am ok.....
I AM NOT
just leave me hurt so that i can heal
let me cry
and as much as i want to be ok
i cannot let go yet
i dont know why
i need to get some time under my belt before i can just move on..
i dont have the answers this time
no one does
but just listen to me
let me go
so i can let go....
please

middle feeling?

ok...
so i sit here thinking of him
we were at the park today and i thought of him being with us there, in the stroller, enjoying the weather
then i really look at that picture of him
the same as i always do
and for the first time tonight...
i look at someone elses child
and it is a totally different feeling
it is not sad
it is not happy
it still is a hurt
but it is different
i geuss it is a middle feeling
but when i look tonight and look at him, i get pains in my chest
because i realize...he will not know me as my own children do...
not mom
jen...birthmother
i geuss i am beginning to be ok
as much as it hurts, i am coming to accept it
that i will always have an ache....
my scar...
i just dont know how to explain it......
he is not mine...
but when i see his eyes...i see me
it is like an out of body experience..
i wish i could explain better
i wish i had the right words right now
for my own sanity!
i wish this was easy
i do
but then again...when have i ever made anything in my life easy...
i miss him still
i do

how cute

....officially one month

i am a mom

Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on.Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

i got this in an email today...
it really hit me
you know, i think that i am having such a hard time with this whole thing...cause this is who i am
I AM A MOM
that is my job
it is what i always wanted to be
it is me
and he was mine and i gave him away
being a mom
it is what i know
it is all i know right now
so all of you reding this blog
please keep these word in mind when you tell me that everything is going to be ok
it s not gonna be for a long time...possibly ever

nothing

yester day he was a month old
i feel like it has been a year
i am tired

dreams

did you ever have a dream that you were back to one moment in your life that you dont ever want to be again.......
i woke up this morning, missing him so much...
the hollow feeling,
lump in my throat..
all due to a horrible dream...
i was there
again
in the hospital room
holding him
wiping my tears from his face
almost to the point of throwing up
the pain was overwhelming
the clock ticking
"we have to take him now....."
"no, i need a couple minutes..please......please leave me alone.......please"
that was the day he was gone from me
the day i wish so much i could forget
the day that is haunting my dreams...
my days are getting better
not all of them are so dark..
but today is i geuss...
right now is..
moment, by moment, it does get a little brighter
i geuss

almost a month old.........

i mean really....how cute is he...
almost a month old
some days it doesnt seem that long ago...
others...it seems like months...
and then some, just feels like a dream...
i cant believe how much he changes and how cute he is
joe sends me emails all the time
he is at home with him now...he has paternity leave
he doesnt like to take him out to public places much...he is too little...so it is just the two of them at home...
well...not much else to say...
i am ok today
i am feeling tired alot
not sleeping
i am all of a sudden having nightmares and not just about him..
about everyone and everything in my life
i feel like shit
i look like shit
i am worn out
i want a change

group

i went to my first "group" last night
i cried
i cried hearing the other stories
i cried when they asked me to talk
and i appreciated every second of it
there are other women who have the same feelings i do
who still struggle, 1, 2, 4 ... however many years down the line
and it is ok
they still grieve ...but they live
like the scar
my scar i will carry is still well...open..healing..
i have to take care of my wounds you know
and i am
and i will be able to cope with this one day
i get many emails from people who read this blog, some i dont even know
i get many mixed feelings, words of encouragement, critiscism...
but at the end of the day...its just me and my thoughts...
my memory of him
my hopes of new memories to be made with him
i cant imagine a day that i wont thing of him
or a day that i dont cry for him
i love him
and everyday of my life i will regret this decision in a way
regret
story of my life
but in another way...i wont....
seeing them with him, knowing the life they have given him..
well
only time will tell...

what is going on

i am just sitting here wondering about a bunch of things..
weeding through these feelings...
i hid my emotions yesterday...put all this sadness on the back burner...
played with collin...on his level
made a wonderful dinner..
had fun with my kids...
and yet..today..i feel worse..
i cant stop thinking of the dads
about how much contact we had before the birth
about how much i felt like they really cared
about how much i felt like we had a "special"connection
and about how now, i barely hear from them
and i wonder how they can look at him and not think of me..
i know the lines are hard right now..
but i just almost feel used
it sucks
i gave them a peice of me
my son
i know this is hard...he is with a loving family...
i geuss i am just pissy
angry
debating wether or not to even say anything
and it s not just them
i am angry with so much
that i am not even well enough to keep my sons party scheduled for this week
because i am afraid of bursting into tears...
i am pissed at the dads
i am mad at me most of all for doing it in the first place
for creating this life
that i gave a way
so is this part of the healing
anger
rage
i geuss
i geuss i will just have to see

the newest

I just like to put any new pics of this little cutie up as soon as they send them..

and i am sure that aunt kath wants to see, the mits are off and the nails are trim...lol

he is so beautiful...

they say is very content, doesnt cry much and sleeps all night...a wonderful baby..

did we expect any different?

oh, and he is now 10lbs 2 oz and 22 inches long....too cute

wonderful sister

i think i knew that i had a wonderful family...but i never really thought about how wonderful my sister in law really is until i got a wonderful letter from her this weekend...
a lot of people like to give me advice or try to say the right thing when they see me....and ..usually, it just irritates me or makes things worse...
megans words were perfect.....
ill give you a little sample...
"~i stress so much about saying the right thing...
like i have miracle words to heal and i realized sometimes there arent words
sometimes it isnt something you need to fix or make better
you just need to learn to cope..
i often think of a cut.
when it first happens, it hurts so much and then it starts to form a protective scab and then finally a scar
i know you are hurting so bad right now and i m not going to say it will be ok~because you and i know it will never be.
but the cut will scab and the scab will scar~but can t and shouldn t be forgotten.
we all have scars and to some degree they tell the story of our life...some you can see and some you cant...."
These words meant so much to me....
i dont expect people to understand what i am going through..
i dont
but when i read her letter....it amazed me at how "right" those words are!
I love you sista!

close your eyes

Well, the sun is slowly sinking down, the moon is surely rising. This old world must still be spinning round, and I still love you!

So close your eyes. You can close your eyes it's alright. I don't know no love songs. I can't sing the blues anymore, but I can sing this song, and you can sing this song when I'm gone!

Well, it won't be long before another day, and we're gonna have a good time. No one's gonna take that time away, and you can stay as long as you like!

So close your eyes. You can close your eyes it's alright. I don't know no love songs. I can't sing the blues anymore, but I can sing this song, and you can sing this song when I'm gone!

that is the song by james taylor...close your eyes....
i found these lyrics today...it is the song that i sang to him over and over...

i hope one day that i will sing it to him again...

it helps me

it hurts me

i geuss the situation i find myself in is a lose lose situation..

i just cant win.

if i move on, i feel guilty like i am leaving him behind...

if i cry, i feel guilty for the time i am losing with my kids.....

i just need to find an in between ...

a happy medium

ill let you know when i get there

its not me

so...i sat for a while..
its quiet today...snowing
collin is sleeping
and i just looked at that picture...
his eyes
his nose
his hair
he is me....
he is me and i just have this numb feeling today
i want to hold him
i want to so bad that is hurts
and this hurt is so different..
for the past few days i have done what i do best...
block
i blocked him out...i blocked out this hurt
and yes, i laughed
yes i got out of the house
but today..i geuss i am worse
i dont know how to accept this pain and grow with it
i dont know how to let go
i dont know how to do this....
is there a counselor or someone that is going to tell me
give me a copy of an article that says how to let it all go..
i think not
i have taken all the kind words in
the "you are an awesome person"
"you are selfless"
those words, although they are very kind...
dont mean shit to me right now
because every time i hear , jen you did the right thing, or jen, you are so selfless
in my head i hear..."you are a coward....you created a life you could not take care of...you are cruel, this kids is growing up without his mother..."
and believe me it gets much worse
i am getting angry
i am sad
i hurt
i am sick of this ...it is making me insane i think
yes i am ok, because like through my whole life..i have always known the "right"thing to say or do....i may not have always done or said the right thing...but in the back of my mind, i knew ...
but what now
what is the right thing now
yes, i know that i have to take care of my kids, my husband, me
yes, i know i am not supposed to cry in front of them..cause god forbid they know that i hurt..
yes, i know i am suppose to go on with my life..go on with out him...
and that is what hurts
you can all tell me that he will know me, he has to know that he has a mom....
its not the same people
he doesnt have me
i am not there
i am not feeding him
i am not comforting him when he cries
i am not changing him
and most of all
i am not the one that just holds him..just because......just to hold him
it s not me

update

this is the newest picture of aiden and i had to post it...i cannot believe how alert he is and how much he has changed in such a short time..

i mean ..really, how beautiful is he??????

we decided topencil in july 19th as a first visit date and i am very excited to see him...see how he is...

i have mixed emotions today....but i am alright..he is so beautiful....

i am ok

Just for those of you who follow the blog...
i am ok..just taking a break from the blog for a while..
i had a great weekend..lauged and everything...
thanks family and friends...
i am ok

one more minute

i would give anything to go back...
just to have one more day with him..
alone with him..even if it was in the hospital
just to smell him
hold him so he can hear my heart beating...
just one more day.....
i would have stayed longer
i would have told him more
i would have never let him go......
to hold him
god i hate this
i am banning myself from this blog for a while
it is getting harder instead of easier
somedays i have to be reminded to take a shower
and my laundry is piled up to the ceiling
my kitchen floor hasnt seen mr clean in weeks....
i have been consumed in this sorrow...
i am like the tears of a clown...
i can put on a good game face, for other parents, school, friends..
i just dont know how to get out of this
anti depressants are only leveling me out....NOTHING is going to take this pain away
this emptiness
and while sometimes i feel like i am feeling sorry for myself....
i dont know
i am just trying to put one foot in front of the other...
i am tired
i am manic
i dont know who i am anymore
the girl that gave away her baby
the girl that looks in the eyes of her children, knowing they have a little brother out there...
my daughters are just amazed at how the "surgery"is making my belly small....
what are they going to think of me when they get older..
is it going to be that picture of the cute family picnics...with aiden and jared, josh, lily and abby and collin
or are they all just going to hate me for my decision
who knows i geuss
who knows

just thinkin

i just had to post one more time

I was replying to the email that the dads sent to me

and i was thinking ....as much as i want him here with me

he would never be loved as he is there...

he would always be looked at as "that kid"

and as much love as i could give him, i cannot protect him from that

He is where he belongs....with two people that love him unconditionally.....

That look at him as their own...

From Gods hands..

to my hands..

to yours...

I will always love him....always

But he is where he belongs

I am.....I dont know

My little man...

this is the newest

he is very alert....he loves being read to and he is sleeping all night

he must feel comfortable

right?

I hurt so much when i see hime

I missed out on getting to know this beautiful creature........

It hurts so much..its not getting better

FUCK

when....

when am i just gonna feel ok

when am going to stop crying

when is someone going to stop this pain in my heart

it hurts

I find it really annoying

you are reading these blogs and not commenting...I know who you are...
Just listen, if you stop by and read..leave me a little hello so i know you were here...
this site is not only for debby and my family..let me put it this way
if you are reading this then i myself gave you the address..so you are family....

Just when you think......

Like I said before...jut when you think you are out...it pulls you back in..

I HATE mornings.

I am awake again at 5:24 am ..then i get to thinkin....5:24..well, aiden was born at 2:54.same numbers...i awake at this time often...or notice the time,....

maybe i think too much...

I am missing him a lot today....I feel my lump returning to the back of my throat...

I just want to hold him...

I want to feel that tiny breath on my face..

hold his little wrinkled fingers....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I just want to scream

I just want this feeling to go away

I just want him

Just an update

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am having a good day....I almost felt guilty today not crying but I made it a whole day with no tears....
I got an email from the dads and the baby is doing well...they got their clearance and are home in New York...I got pictures of him with his cousin and Gram...they all have so much joy and Aiden..who by the way was a week old yesterday...looks wonderful...
I miss him and love him and like i said before..Seeing him with his family brings me much happiness...i will add pictures later..
Love you all and thank you for your kind words ...even if they are not posted as comments...They mean more to me than you know...

Lucas Aiden....

this is the newest picture of Lucas ....aiden.. And him with his Aunt Linda

they joy in her face is priceless....they love him so much

and i am a prt of giving that to them....this picture helped me so much today! Looking at it from that point of view...that i gave this family happiness is touching .... happy tears today...he is home..with his family....

he is beautiful

he seems so peaceful

the blanket by the way....is from me...so he always had something near him from his mama...he sleeps on it....i am with him

i love you aiden

Just when you think

things cant feel any worse...you get the copy of the adoption documents in the mail....
just a reminder that it is final..
that he is gone.....
that i gave him away....
that someone will love him, already do
but he will not know my love...
my arms...
my touch...
my voice...
I was reading an article and a poem from a birth mom that said something like, she talked to him for her 72 hours in the hospital...hoping that somewhere in his brain, she would inbed her voice, so that somewhere down the line, in a restaurant, a mall, when she spoke, he would recognize her voice...
I can relate
I hoped for the same thing
I still do

I am at a one

Well, here i sit at 5 am...wondering why i cant sleep...

I feel twinges of pain in my breasts, cramps where i once felt kicks....

Just when things are up...i come down...

Again the tears are flowing...again i am wondering if he is missing me the way i am him...

When is this going to get better....someone please come and take this pain away..i am begging

I just want to feel normal again...to just be ok

Aiden Update

Just a little FYI

Aiden (his name is Lucas Aiden but will forever be aiden to me) has arrived safely in Philadelphia at his aunts house where he will be staying with his dads until they are cleared by the state to go home to New York. His family has already fallen in lov with him, as we all new they would. I am assured by Rick and Joe that they tell him of his adoption nightly and how much his mother loves him...he is sleeping all night (waking only to eat and change diaper) and is doing well...slept the whole ride to Philly...

the end of the email read....We love you and so does Lucas....enough said

I love you too........

Other Support

I have joined a few message boards and

it amazes me the way women can bond together without ever meeting....thoughts and feelings that are shared have been amazing to me and it makes me feel good

I also wanted to mention the amazing love that i have from my kids...they are too young to know what was going on..in my opinion....and knew i was having surgery...when i came home i was overwhelmed with hugs and especially my abs....when she caught me in tears a few times, i felt her little hand and her cute smile saying...."it's ok mommy, it will be ok, do you want to hold my hand?" Abby has such a big heart and mine melts at the thought of all she does to brighten my day....

My Mom

She was afraid to touch him, afraid to make even the slightest bond with this little person....her grandson...

I am glad you did mom....I am happy that you were there and got to see how beautiful he is...that you got to look into his eyes, to touch him, you are a part of his life now and will be always...

I know you are scared for me right now and are not sure how to help...and the only thing i can say is..I know i am difficult and i lknow that i am irrational alot lately....just keep doing what you are doing..calling, checking,

You dont know how much you helped me yesterday when you said "he will be loved there unconditionally"..and all of the things that you said to me really made me sit and realize why i decided to do this....

I know that i am gonna have good and bad days...just knowing that i have a mother that loves me no matter what, makes it a tiny bit easier...I love you

DON'T ASK

These days are hard....

I seem to be doing fine and then in the middle of Gian Eagle i see a new mom with a tiny baby and begin to loose it...had to leave the store

I was trying to get out of the house...get some air and it seems that everywhere i go i am reminded of him...it doesnt take much to get me upset

I am trying people, i am, but like i said....it hurts and i know it is going to for a long time...

Mornings are the hardest for me....all the emotions come flooding back and i cry alot...alot...

it seems that i am dong ok and then someone will call and ask how i am doing.....then i loose it

DONT ASK

lol

Just call me to ask how the kids are or if i ant to get out of the house or something.. jsut dont ask how i am doing....lol

you can read the blog to find out

mama said there would be days like this.....

So i geuss i was a little over reactive this morning...maybe not
I am hurting right now and i feel like instead of getting better it is getting worse...
Many of you have voiced your opinion to me about being worried i may fall back into the old pattern of my life...to self medicate...
i want to reassure everyone, i will not go down that road...I know that my kids need me sane...and one day when aiden knows me...he needs to hear good things and i dont want to be that person again..
Yes...i am a little mental right now..yes, i am sad a lot...but i am allowing myself to feel these things...to let myself hurt..to cry, to grieve if you will...
I know that one day i will be happy again...i look at my kids now and i am ...they make me smile...i dont want them to see me cry, because they dont know why....
one day they will understand
the bottom line is .........I know that i made the right choice..aiden will be loved without judgement, unconditionally......
i stand by my choice, yes, but i want everyone to know ...it hurts....let me hurt....let me cry
its ok

Stop The Madness

Ok..so my therapist (thats you deb....lol)says when i am feeling this way to list the positive...

Like what i saw when i walked in their hotel room last night...

I saw two very happy dads....two dads that have fears, and hopes and dreams and that have waited a long time to love aiden (lucas aiden)...

they look at him like they birthed him themselves and for this i am grateful..

i am lucky to have two such men in his life...

that will love him and give him more than i ever could..

but i have to say this

I do love this child

I am not giving him away because i dont....

wait i said to myself that i wasnt gonna do that...

think positive jen...

I am thankful that i found two wonderful men that will give him all the love that i would have and probably even more....

I love the fact that they want me in his life, that I will always be his mom...(get it cause he has two dads) and they want him to know his brothers and sisters when the time is right

They have love for me as well, and throughout this whole thing, have done what I wanted and now it is their turn...

You are the dad...the parent, the one i trusted to love my son...

I am ok with this...i am

I just have to allow myself these days of craziness...

these days of wanting him back...these overwhelming feelings

if i learned anything in rehab it is the saying ":this too shall pass"

while i hurt and cry and want him, I know he is in a wonderful home and with wonderful parents that love him

and i have to allow myself....the time, the hurt, the tears....

what am i doing

what am i doing.......
is aiden crying for me, the mother that abandonded him...that put him in the hand of complete strangers
what if he just wants my arms around him and i am not there
does he just need to hear my heart, lay his little head on my chest to hear my voice to feel me breath......and i am not there
this is torture
i miss his face
i miss his breath
did i do the right thing?

The Visit

Today...I feel hungover....I didn't expect to still feel shitty after how wonderful I felt last night.

I went to see him...He is absolutely beautiful...I mean, he has perfect skin and hair and he is honestly just perfect...

This is killing me..

Anyway, the attorney came last night and I signed all the papers...he is officially not mine anymore.....He will always be mine...

I couldnt find the room last night and then heard the cry...I flew to the room and was welcomed by Rick and Joe....and there he was..laying on the bed....just perfect...they said he had some gas and that he has been really fussy....I picked him up and I know that you will say he cant see...but when he looked at me, he smiled...twice...and I swear he knew me, my voice...he was very calm...and he fell asleep..

I didnt stay long...i felt good with the visit and they leave today....

What have I done?

I feel like I have abandoned him....does he miss me.....is he crying for me at night...he doesnt have his mama to hold him close and sing to him.....and the truth is ... i dont have him.

THis pain inside me is like no other I have ever felt...I feel empty, alone, lost, like i need to puke most of the time and I just want to be ok

I know that everyone must be thinking...she has to be ok...the kids will keep her busy

but the truth is, the kids are a reminder of him...his brothers and sisters he doesnt have...how mych they woiuld just love him and yet, they dont even know about him...

I wish i could scream, i wish i could let everyone know i am going crazy inside..i want to crawl into a dark hole and cry ....just cry hard and what sucks is i am cryig, right now as we speak....the feeling of wanting him back is wso overwhelming today that i dont know what to do with myself....He is mine...my son and i just gave him away....why

because he came from a bad situation

because dj wouldnt want him

because i cant afford it

well those reasons are bullshit

i sit here and think

what the fuck did i really do this for

and i cant remember....cause right now....it hurts so much and i just want him back