i have been doing everything in my power to not come to this page
i cant stand it, sometimes, that this page even exists
or that i had to have one
or that.....
i hate every day that he is not with me
i hate myself
for letting others influence any of my thoughts
and i hate
at the end of the day
i cannot make this ok
i cannot get him back
i just want to say
please
can i have him back now
please
i m his mother
i made a horrible decision
i can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore
it is not getting better
it is the same
if not worse
out of site out of mind
NOT
neither is the pain
no one understands it
and no one EVER will
stop pretending to care
stop trying to get close to me
to use this situation to try to bond with me
i am so tired of everyone using this baby
this adopotion to get to me
i dont like me anymore
how can a mother give up her son
the race card is old
i hate that i even began to think i understood that reason
because he is black....he couldnt be loved
and i hate that i gave into the concept of no one else could love him
accept him
well fuck you
fuck all of you that couldnt
i love him
i could have loved him enough for everyone that didnt
and what
he would have been looked at differently in school
what school
harvard
yale
not woodland hills
not anywhere
i am so mad at myself for listening to all of you
everyone
but most of all
for letting myself make a life changing decision
one that i will never be able to make right
this is a loss like no other
i wish for one fucking second that one of you could feel the hollowness that i endure daily
and people have the balls to ask whats wrong
I have a son that i miss more than you could ever imagine
he is with two men that dont even care if i am here or not
they sure did talk a good game
i gave him a name that he will never know
a name he will never be called
he will never call for me
mama
fuck
so to answer all your questions and concerns....
YES
it still fucking hurts
the more time that passes, the bigger the ache becomes
and there is no amount of therapy
or medicine
that is going to take that away
NOTHING will
yes
i want him back
everyday i regret
i hate it
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Whats most important is what is best for him....The Dads love him, they care for him, they support his every need... They adopted "him". Not you. Thats a POSITIVE! You have, and always will, do what you want, when you want, and how you want it. But now you were "influenced" to do this. There is no going back. Whats done is done. No matter who or what you feel like blaiming today....The ONLY option is to move forward...that doesn't mean don't mourn the loss., or not have the right to be sad....everyday -parents lose their children,forever! people lose their lives, their homes, their entire families in tornadoes! Terrible, unimaginable things happen that there is no control over, or rhyme or reason. This was a decision that was made after time and consideration....You must now accept the consequences of your actions. You had and still have hoards of friends, family, strangers who have been there for you through it all! Friends near and friends far...A husband who stuck by you, healthy kids that you are blessed to raise. I can't imagine there being any other "birth moms" with as much support as you. Ones who had to do it all alone..make the decision all alone....noone else to blame...can you imagine the sorrow and emptiness? I can't.
I know your feeling in these blogs are your feeling at their worst. Don't hate yourself for your decision. I told you many time, in your heart you know what is best for your kids, all six of your kids. They may not be the best decision for you but, you will make the hard ones because you know what is best for the six of them. You do not really care how it effects you as long as it is the best for them. THEY ALL ARE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. Missing him makes you feel like it was the wrong decision, but remember he is loved and what more could a mom want for her kids. I know you love him, and you will get to see him soon. I really wish I could, because I think of him daily, he is my grandson as much as the others. Time is the only thing and I am not sure that will work, because their will alway be birthdays and holidays without him to remember. So just keep blogging out those feeling and talk to who ever will listen...remember I am here all you need to do is talk to me.
Dear Anonymous - I don't know if you have children - from your words I can't imagine that you do.... because after reading what you wrote makes me want to come through this computer ... this is an outlet ... this is a place to let it out all the things that you feel ... the author ... what she feels ... NO ONE is perfect ... and we all have to live with the consequences of our actions ... if you don't like her or what she has done ... don't get on her blog and take yourself out of it ... I fully understand taking responsibility for your actions and hold people to that standard ... but for the love of GOD ... she put her self out there ... she made mistakes ... SHE has to live this hell ... not you ... so if she wants to blame anyone she can ... because this IS HERS ... I can't even think about this sometimes because it rips my heart out ... I can't even imagine what Jen has to go through... so while you turn away and say bad shit happens all of the time ... well thanks for that brilliant comment Einstein – my suggestion to you is to get your own blog and write the worst thing that has ever happened to you or a decision that you made that you wish you could change --- lets air all of your dirty laundry --- and then everyone can get on your blog and criticize you and point fingers …. Take a good look in the mirror… Mr. or Mrs. Perfect….No one is forcing you to do anything…you don’t like it…stay out of it!!! She isn’t asking for pity it is a BLOG – an online journal – which you are given access to – she trusted you enough to let you read her most personal thoughts and this is what you give back to that trust!!! For the people you love….you stay in it…you slosh through the bad as well as the good …its not always nice its not always easy…but together anything is possible….you may fight…you make up…and so the relationship grows….you say your thoughts (not anonymously) and WORK…and sometimes it is REAL WORK…but you do that for the ones that you love…the ones you call a friend….the ones you call a husband or wife…the ones that you call a sister…This is what Jen feels---how ever right you think it is or isn’t --- it IS how she feels….let her FEEL…let her …because in spite of all that you think you know about her…I am here to tell you that you don’t know her at all…because if you did you would know that she is well worth the fight!!! Keep feeling Jen – I know you are well worth the fight – Luv Meg
No rationalizing.
Just hugs for your honesty.
There's not a mom I know who wouldn't feel the same, scream the same, cry the same as you, should she find herself in this situation. I'd be right where you are too.
Just keep moving.
Keep moving.
i SECOND mEG.
qUIt TELLING HER how to feel.
YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA how she feels.
SHE GAVE A FUCKING BABY UP FOR ADOPTION.
A FUCKING BABY.
AND WHILE THE BABY might /is in a great home.
SHE FUCKING GAVE UP A BABY.
A FUCKING BABY.
SO SUCK IT ANONYMOUS: cause guess what...
that situation comes with some GRAVE emotions.
d
Six Kids! Wow, to different fathers? Or all the same man?
lana...
do i know you
i have six kids
including aiden...the one that i gave up for adoption
Post a Comment