almost a month old.........

i mean really....how cute is he...
almost a month old
some days it doesnt seem that long ago...
others...it seems like months...
and then some, just feels like a dream...
i cant believe how much he changes and how cute he is
joe sends me emails all the time
he is at home with him now...he has paternity leave
he doesnt like to take him out to public places much...he is too little...so it is just the two of them at home...
well...not much else to say...
i am ok today
i am feeling tired alot
not sleeping
i am all of a sudden having nightmares and not just about him..
about everyone and everything in my life
i feel like shit
i look like shit
i am worn out
i want a change

group

i went to my first "group" last night
i cried
i cried hearing the other stories
i cried when they asked me to talk
and i appreciated every second of it
there are other women who have the same feelings i do
who still struggle, 1, 2, 4 ... however many years down the line
and it is ok
they still grieve ...but they live
like the scar
my scar i will carry is still well...open..healing..
i have to take care of my wounds you know
and i am
and i will be able to cope with this one day
i get many emails from people who read this blog, some i dont even know
i get many mixed feelings, words of encouragement, critiscism...
but at the end of the day...its just me and my thoughts...
my memory of him
my hopes of new memories to be made with him
i cant imagine a day that i wont thing of him
or a day that i dont cry for him
i love him
and everyday of my life i will regret this decision in a way
regret
story of my life
but in another way...i wont....
seeing them with him, knowing the life they have given him..
well
only time will tell...

what is going on

i am just sitting here wondering about a bunch of things..
weeding through these feelings...
i hid my emotions yesterday...put all this sadness on the back burner...
played with collin...on his level
made a wonderful dinner..
had fun with my kids...
and yet..today..i feel worse..
i cant stop thinking of the dads
about how much contact we had before the birth
about how much i felt like they really cared
about how much i felt like we had a "special"connection
and about how now, i barely hear from them
and i wonder how they can look at him and not think of me..
i know the lines are hard right now..
but i just almost feel used
it sucks
i gave them a peice of me
my son
i know this is hard...he is with a loving family...
i geuss i am just pissy
angry
debating wether or not to even say anything
and it s not just them
i am angry with so much
that i am not even well enough to keep my sons party scheduled for this week
because i am afraid of bursting into tears...
i am pissed at the dads
i am mad at me most of all for doing it in the first place
for creating this life
that i gave a way
so is this part of the healing
anger
rage
i geuss
i geuss i will just have to see

the newest

I just like to put any new pics of this little cutie up as soon as they send them..

and i am sure that aunt kath wants to see, the mits are off and the nails are trim...lol

he is so beautiful...

they say is very content, doesnt cry much and sleeps all night...a wonderful baby..

did we expect any different?

oh, and he is now 10lbs 2 oz and 22 inches long....too cute

wonderful sister

i think i knew that i had a wonderful family...but i never really thought about how wonderful my sister in law really is until i got a wonderful letter from her this weekend...
a lot of people like to give me advice or try to say the right thing when they see me....and ..usually, it just irritates me or makes things worse...
megans words were perfect.....
ill give you a little sample...
"~i stress so much about saying the right thing...
like i have miracle words to heal and i realized sometimes there arent words
sometimes it isnt something you need to fix or make better
you just need to learn to cope..
i often think of a cut.
when it first happens, it hurts so much and then it starts to form a protective scab and then finally a scar
i know you are hurting so bad right now and i m not going to say it will be ok~because you and i know it will never be.
but the cut will scab and the scab will scar~but can t and shouldn t be forgotten.
we all have scars and to some degree they tell the story of our life...some you can see and some you cant...."
These words meant so much to me....
i dont expect people to understand what i am going through..
i dont
but when i read her letter....it amazed me at how "right" those words are!
I love you sista!

close your eyes

Well, the sun is slowly sinking down, the moon is surely rising. This old world must still be spinning round, and I still love you!

So close your eyes. You can close your eyes it's alright. I don't know no love songs. I can't sing the blues anymore, but I can sing this song, and you can sing this song when I'm gone!

Well, it won't be long before another day, and we're gonna have a good time. No one's gonna take that time away, and you can stay as long as you like!

So close your eyes. You can close your eyes it's alright. I don't know no love songs. I can't sing the blues anymore, but I can sing this song, and you can sing this song when I'm gone!

that is the song by james taylor...close your eyes....
i found these lyrics today...it is the song that i sang to him over and over...

i hope one day that i will sing it to him again...

it helps me

it hurts me

i geuss the situation i find myself in is a lose lose situation..

i just cant win.

if i move on, i feel guilty like i am leaving him behind...

if i cry, i feel guilty for the time i am losing with my kids.....

i just need to find an in between ...

a happy medium

ill let you know when i get there

its not me

so...i sat for a while..
its quiet today...snowing
collin is sleeping
and i just looked at that picture...
his eyes
his nose
his hair
he is me....
he is me and i just have this numb feeling today
i want to hold him
i want to so bad that is hurts
and this hurt is so different..
for the past few days i have done what i do best...
block
i blocked him out...i blocked out this hurt
and yes, i laughed
yes i got out of the house
but today..i geuss i am worse
i dont know how to accept this pain and grow with it
i dont know how to let go
i dont know how to do this....
is there a counselor or someone that is going to tell me
give me a copy of an article that says how to let it all go..
i think not
i have taken all the kind words in
the "you are an awesome person"
"you are selfless"
those words, although they are very kind...
dont mean shit to me right now
because every time i hear , jen you did the right thing, or jen, you are so selfless
in my head i hear..."you are a coward....you created a life you could not take care of...you are cruel, this kids is growing up without his mother..."
and believe me it gets much worse
i am getting angry
i am sad
i hurt
i am sick of this ...it is making me insane i think
yes i am ok, because like through my whole life..i have always known the "right"thing to say or do....i may not have always done or said the right thing...but in the back of my mind, i knew ...
but what now
what is the right thing now
yes, i know that i have to take care of my kids, my husband, me
yes, i know i am not supposed to cry in front of them..cause god forbid they know that i hurt..
yes, i know i am suppose to go on with my life..go on with out him...
and that is what hurts
you can all tell me that he will know me, he has to know that he has a mom....
its not the same people
he doesnt have me
i am not there
i am not feeding him
i am not comforting him when he cries
i am not changing him
and most of all
i am not the one that just holds him..just because......just to hold him
it s not me

update

this is the newest picture of aiden and i had to post it...i cannot believe how alert he is and how much he has changed in such a short time..

i mean ..really, how beautiful is he??????

we decided topencil in july 19th as a first visit date and i am very excited to see him...see how he is...

i have mixed emotions today....but i am alright..he is so beautiful....

i am ok

Just for those of you who follow the blog...
i am ok..just taking a break from the blog for a while..
i had a great weekend..lauged and everything...
thanks family and friends...
i am ok

one more minute

i would give anything to go back...
just to have one more day with him..
alone with him..even if it was in the hospital
just to smell him
hold him so he can hear my heart beating...
just one more day.....
i would have stayed longer
i would have told him more
i would have never let him go......
to hold him
god i hate this
i am banning myself from this blog for a while
it is getting harder instead of easier
somedays i have to be reminded to take a shower
and my laundry is piled up to the ceiling
my kitchen floor hasnt seen mr clean in weeks....
i have been consumed in this sorrow...
i am like the tears of a clown...
i can put on a good game face, for other parents, school, friends..
i just dont know how to get out of this
anti depressants are only leveling me out....NOTHING is going to take this pain away
this emptiness
and while sometimes i feel like i am feeling sorry for myself....
i dont know
i am just trying to put one foot in front of the other...
i am tired
i am manic
i dont know who i am anymore
the girl that gave away her baby
the girl that looks in the eyes of her children, knowing they have a little brother out there...
my daughters are just amazed at how the "surgery"is making my belly small....
what are they going to think of me when they get older..
is it going to be that picture of the cute family picnics...with aiden and jared, josh, lily and abby and collin
or are they all just going to hate me for my decision
who knows i geuss
who knows

just thinkin

i just had to post one more time

I was replying to the email that the dads sent to me

and i was thinking ....as much as i want him here with me

he would never be loved as he is there...

he would always be looked at as "that kid"

and as much love as i could give him, i cannot protect him from that

He is where he belongs....with two people that love him unconditionally.....

That look at him as their own...

From Gods hands..

to my hands..

to yours...

I will always love him....always

But he is where he belongs

I am.....I dont know

My little man...

this is the newest

he is very alert....he loves being read to and he is sleeping all night

he must feel comfortable

right?

I hurt so much when i see hime

I missed out on getting to know this beautiful creature........

It hurts so much..its not getting better

FUCK

when....

when am i just gonna feel ok

when am going to stop crying

when is someone going to stop this pain in my heart

it hurts

I find it really annoying

you are reading these blogs and not commenting...I know who you are...
Just listen, if you stop by and read..leave me a little hello so i know you were here...
this site is not only for debby and my family..let me put it this way
if you are reading this then i myself gave you the address..so you are family....

Just when you think......

Like I said before...jut when you think you are out...it pulls you back in..

I HATE mornings.

I am awake again at 5:24 am ..then i get to thinkin....5:24..well, aiden was born at 2:54.same numbers...i awake at this time often...or notice the time,....

maybe i think too much...

I am missing him a lot today....I feel my lump returning to the back of my throat...

I just want to hold him...

I want to feel that tiny breath on my face..

hold his little wrinkled fingers....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I just want to scream

I just want this feeling to go away

I just want him

Just an update

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am having a good day....I almost felt guilty today not crying but I made it a whole day with no tears....
I got an email from the dads and the baby is doing well...they got their clearance and are home in New York...I got pictures of him with his cousin and Gram...they all have so much joy and Aiden..who by the way was a week old yesterday...looks wonderful...
I miss him and love him and like i said before..Seeing him with his family brings me much happiness...i will add pictures later..
Love you all and thank you for your kind words ...even if they are not posted as comments...They mean more to me than you know...

Lucas Aiden....

this is the newest picture of Lucas ....aiden.. And him with his Aunt Linda

they joy in her face is priceless....they love him so much

and i am a prt of giving that to them....this picture helped me so much today! Looking at it from that point of view...that i gave this family happiness is touching .... happy tears today...he is home..with his family....

he is beautiful

he seems so peaceful

the blanket by the way....is from me...so he always had something near him from his mama...he sleeps on it....i am with him

i love you aiden

Just when you think

things cant feel any worse...you get the copy of the adoption documents in the mail....
just a reminder that it is final..
that he is gone.....
that i gave him away....
that someone will love him, already do
but he will not know my love...
my arms...
my touch...
my voice...
I was reading an article and a poem from a birth mom that said something like, she talked to him for her 72 hours in the hospital...hoping that somewhere in his brain, she would inbed her voice, so that somewhere down the line, in a restaurant, a mall, when she spoke, he would recognize her voice...
I can relate
I hoped for the same thing
I still do

I am at a one

Well, here i sit at 5 am...wondering why i cant sleep...

I feel twinges of pain in my breasts, cramps where i once felt kicks....

Just when things are up...i come down...

Again the tears are flowing...again i am wondering if he is missing me the way i am him...

When is this going to get better....someone please come and take this pain away..i am begging

I just want to feel normal again...to just be ok

Aiden Update

Just a little FYI

Aiden (his name is Lucas Aiden but will forever be aiden to me) has arrived safely in Philadelphia at his aunts house where he will be staying with his dads until they are cleared by the state to go home to New York. His family has already fallen in lov with him, as we all new they would. I am assured by Rick and Joe that they tell him of his adoption nightly and how much his mother loves him...he is sleeping all night (waking only to eat and change diaper) and is doing well...slept the whole ride to Philly...

the end of the email read....We love you and so does Lucas....enough said

I love you too........

Other Support

I have joined a few message boards and

it amazes me the way women can bond together without ever meeting....thoughts and feelings that are shared have been amazing to me and it makes me feel good

I also wanted to mention the amazing love that i have from my kids...they are too young to know what was going on..in my opinion....and knew i was having surgery...when i came home i was overwhelmed with hugs and especially my abs....when she caught me in tears a few times, i felt her little hand and her cute smile saying...."it's ok mommy, it will be ok, do you want to hold my hand?" Abby has such a big heart and mine melts at the thought of all she does to brighten my day....

My Mom

She was afraid to touch him, afraid to make even the slightest bond with this little person....her grandson...

I am glad you did mom....I am happy that you were there and got to see how beautiful he is...that you got to look into his eyes, to touch him, you are a part of his life now and will be always...

I know you are scared for me right now and are not sure how to help...and the only thing i can say is..I know i am difficult and i lknow that i am irrational alot lately....just keep doing what you are doing..calling, checking,

You dont know how much you helped me yesterday when you said "he will be loved there unconditionally"..and all of the things that you said to me really made me sit and realize why i decided to do this....

I know that i am gonna have good and bad days...just knowing that i have a mother that loves me no matter what, makes it a tiny bit easier...I love you

DON'T ASK

These days are hard....

I seem to be doing fine and then in the middle of Gian Eagle i see a new mom with a tiny baby and begin to loose it...had to leave the store

I was trying to get out of the house...get some air and it seems that everywhere i go i am reminded of him...it doesnt take much to get me upset

I am trying people, i am, but like i said....it hurts and i know it is going to for a long time...

Mornings are the hardest for me....all the emotions come flooding back and i cry alot...alot...

it seems that i am dong ok and then someone will call and ask how i am doing.....then i loose it

DONT ASK

lol

Just call me to ask how the kids are or if i ant to get out of the house or something.. jsut dont ask how i am doing....lol

you can read the blog to find out

mama said there would be days like this.....

So i geuss i was a little over reactive this morning...maybe not
I am hurting right now and i feel like instead of getting better it is getting worse...
Many of you have voiced your opinion to me about being worried i may fall back into the old pattern of my life...to self medicate...
i want to reassure everyone, i will not go down that road...I know that my kids need me sane...and one day when aiden knows me...he needs to hear good things and i dont want to be that person again..
Yes...i am a little mental right now..yes, i am sad a lot...but i am allowing myself to feel these things...to let myself hurt..to cry, to grieve if you will...
I know that one day i will be happy again...i look at my kids now and i am ...they make me smile...i dont want them to see me cry, because they dont know why....
one day they will understand
the bottom line is .........I know that i made the right choice..aiden will be loved without judgement, unconditionally......
i stand by my choice, yes, but i want everyone to know ...it hurts....let me hurt....let me cry
its ok

Stop The Madness

Ok..so my therapist (thats you deb....lol)says when i am feeling this way to list the positive...

Like what i saw when i walked in their hotel room last night...

I saw two very happy dads....two dads that have fears, and hopes and dreams and that have waited a long time to love aiden (lucas aiden)...

they look at him like they birthed him themselves and for this i am grateful..

i am lucky to have two such men in his life...

that will love him and give him more than i ever could..

but i have to say this

I do love this child

I am not giving him away because i dont....

wait i said to myself that i wasnt gonna do that...

think positive jen...

I am thankful that i found two wonderful men that will give him all the love that i would have and probably even more....

I love the fact that they want me in his life, that I will always be his mom...(get it cause he has two dads) and they want him to know his brothers and sisters when the time is right

They have love for me as well, and throughout this whole thing, have done what I wanted and now it is their turn...

You are the dad...the parent, the one i trusted to love my son...

I am ok with this...i am

I just have to allow myself these days of craziness...

these days of wanting him back...these overwhelming feelings

if i learned anything in rehab it is the saying ":this too shall pass"

while i hurt and cry and want him, I know he is in a wonderful home and with wonderful parents that love him

and i have to allow myself....the time, the hurt, the tears....

what am i doing

what am i doing.......
is aiden crying for me, the mother that abandonded him...that put him in the hand of complete strangers
what if he just wants my arms around him and i am not there
does he just need to hear my heart, lay his little head on my chest to hear my voice to feel me breath......and i am not there
this is torture
i miss his face
i miss his breath
did i do the right thing?

The Visit

Today...I feel hungover....I didn't expect to still feel shitty after how wonderful I felt last night.

I went to see him...He is absolutely beautiful...I mean, he has perfect skin and hair and he is honestly just perfect...

This is killing me..

Anyway, the attorney came last night and I signed all the papers...he is officially not mine anymore.....He will always be mine...

I couldnt find the room last night and then heard the cry...I flew to the room and was welcomed by Rick and Joe....and there he was..laying on the bed....just perfect...they said he had some gas and that he has been really fussy....I picked him up and I know that you will say he cant see...but when he looked at me, he smiled...twice...and I swear he knew me, my voice...he was very calm...and he fell asleep..

I didnt stay long...i felt good with the visit and they leave today....

What have I done?

I feel like I have abandoned him....does he miss me.....is he crying for me at night...he doesnt have his mama to hold him close and sing to him.....and the truth is ... i dont have him.

THis pain inside me is like no other I have ever felt...I feel empty, alone, lost, like i need to puke most of the time and I just want to be ok

I know that everyone must be thinking...she has to be ok...the kids will keep her busy

but the truth is, the kids are a reminder of him...his brothers and sisters he doesnt have...how mych they woiuld just love him and yet, they dont even know about him...

I wish i could scream, i wish i could let everyone know i am going crazy inside..i want to crawl into a dark hole and cry ....just cry hard and what sucks is i am cryig, right now as we speak....the feeling of wanting him back is wso overwhelming today that i dont know what to do with myself....He is mine...my son and i just gave him away....why

because he came from a bad situation

because dj wouldnt want him

because i cant afford it

well those reasons are bullshit

i sit here and think

what the fuck did i really do this for

and i cant remember....cause right now....it hurts so much and i just want him back

I am going in circles...

I want to see him again and I am going to tonight...one last farwell..

I dont know if it is right or wrong but in my heart I feel i need this...to see him

I thank God that his parents are so understanding of my needs .... I love them just as much as I do him...

So wish me luck....I will post later.

See you soon aiden

So with a little help from my friend, I have decided to give my self an outlet...somewhere to get all these feelings out.....

I want to first thank my mom...she has stood beside me throughout my life, but nothing can compare to the hand that held mine this weekend...

I want to thank my mother in law for the very love that i refused to accept from her for so long...she has shown me support and love and respect...

And most of all, my friend Debby....I cannot find words that can express the feelings I have for you...your love, your support and your shoulder mean more to me than youwill ever know.......

So, on Saturday, Feb 2, 2008, at 2:54pm I brought a new life into this world...Aiden William...8lbs 14 oz

As the doctors placed him on my stomach....all the voices around me seemed to fade...Do I touch him? Do I love him? He is not mine....But he was...he is a peice of me...my son...and I cried....and so the roller coaster begins...

I watched as they cleaned him, wrapped him and handed him to me....he looked at me wide eyed..

my son

and i knew that the hours, moments, seconds were winding down....until I had to say goodbye...

I held him that night, just looking at him..seeing me...holding him so close and singing to him....i sang a James Taylor song...."So close your eyes, you can close your eyes its alright...I dont know no love songs and I can t sing the blues anymore....but I can sing this song..and you can sing this song when I'm gone...It wont be long before another day..."..whew....enough of that...

Anyway,Sunda night came and I knew it was only hours until I had to hand him over.. I could feel my heart actually ripping apart...for the next 7 hours i just held him close to me..crying and telling him how much i loved him and that I was giving him a wonderful life....but all those words could not hide the fact that i just wanted to run and hide with him in my arms...

How does someone give this away

The time came and the doctor came in to take him from me and I just could not let go....

I held him so close to me

his face touching mine, the smell of his breath and the softness of his skin.... said goodbye

As the door shut...I lost a part of me...I will never be the same