The Visit

Today...I feel hungover....I didn't expect to still feel shitty after how wonderful I felt last night.

I went to see him...He is absolutely beautiful...I mean, he has perfect skin and hair and he is honestly just perfect...

This is killing me..

Anyway, the attorney came last night and I signed all the papers...he is officially not mine anymore.....He will always be mine...

I couldnt find the room last night and then heard the cry...I flew to the room and was welcomed by Rick and Joe....and there he was..laying on the bed....just perfect...they said he had some gas and that he has been really fussy....I picked him up and I know that you will say he cant see...but when he looked at me, he smiled...twice...and I swear he knew me, my voice...he was very calm...and he fell asleep..

I didnt stay long...i felt good with the visit and they leave today....

What have I done?

I feel like I have abandoned him....does he miss me.....is he crying for me at night...he doesnt have his mama to hold him close and sing to him.....and the truth is ... i dont have him.

THis pain inside me is like no other I have ever felt...I feel empty, alone, lost, like i need to puke most of the time and I just want to be ok

I know that everyone must be thinking...she has to be ok...the kids will keep her busy

but the truth is, the kids are a reminder of him...his brothers and sisters he doesnt have...how mych they woiuld just love him and yet, they dont even know about him...

I wish i could scream, i wish i could let everyone know i am going crazy inside..i want to crawl into a dark hole and cry ....just cry hard and what sucks is i am cryig, right now as we speak....the feeling of wanting him back is wso overwhelming today that i dont know what to do with myself....He is mine...my son and i just gave him away....why

because he came from a bad situation

because dj wouldnt want him

because i cant afford it

well those reasons are bullshit

i sit here and think

what the fuck did i really do this for

and i cant remember....cause right now....it hurts so much and i just want him back