lucas aiden....first christmas

just thought id share...
merry christmas lucas...
love you

to my newbies...

well..
what a pleasant surprise today
i checked my email and have new comments
thank you is all i can say
i dont even think, really, when i write these
they just come out
like my fingers are just moving

thank you thank you thank you my new readers
your words mean a lot


i tried to stay positive during christmas
tried to think of him laughing and opening gifts or eating the paper
watching my nephew who is only a little older, i think a month or so...
i thought of him
i thought of aiden
i thought of joe and rick laughing with him
and how thankful they must be to have a "family" this year
and while my heart and body ached this year
thoughts of their happines made the pain a little less harsh
i think my illness, the flu, or whatever i had could have been due to the gut wrenching crying i did on chrismas eve
after the kids went to bed, i wrapped and built and then just stared at the tree lights....blurred by tears...
but i was ok
i am ok
these next few weeks are going to be really hard for me
i am anitcipating the visit i am going to have with him
jan 17th
i am going to see him
to hold him again
and again, have to give him back
i am sure the visits will get easier as the years pass....but please
say a little prayer for me
that in the month to come...that i hold it together
i am sure i will
on the outside
but i am scared, nervous, excited....
and really mixed up...
just keep me in your thoughts...please
i am not backing out of this visit!

flashbacks

so...
i just thought i would blog this
last week, i had some female problems and was rushed into magee er
everything is fine,
but it didnt even dawn on me until leaving the building
i hadnt been there since i left aiden...
and it came rushing over me like a huge wave of emotion
that feeling
of stepping off of that elevator
with my legs weak
tears flowing uncontrolably and the nurse in the elevator holding me
i loved her
she sat with me every night there..
she wasnt a nurse...she was the blood pressure lady
lol
but she stayed to walk me out
asking me if i was sure..



the lump returned



i sat in the lobby...
looking at the big windows
and i never wanted out of one place so much in my life