happy easter

here is the updated photos of aiden...

he enjoyed his easter..

i cannot wait to see a picture of him smiling!

mixed emotions today...

i only get emails when i ask for them

i asked them for easter pics of him...

...so no complaints i geuss...lol

he is beautiful and it is still heart wrenching to see him somewhere else

i am jealous

new feeling

i am jealous

i am angry

but i am soooo fucking jealous of them

that they get to see his first smile

his first easter

it hurts...but the pain is alot more dull now...

i get a lump in my throat everytime i see him

and i suppose that is going to happen forever

i dont talk about him anymore

i dont want to

just here

thats it

i dont want to talk about him

i dont know.....

i bet you are all wondering what happened..
i have been trying to avoid this page
trying to avoid everything about it
i had a hard weekend..
easter
his first easter
seeing logan, my nephew often reminds me of him...
all their "first's" are the same
so ...
well
anyway
i havent heard how aidens was..
i dont hear from them much
and i geuss that is where i am now
pissed
that while i was preggers
well..i heard from the dads all the time..
emails
phone calls
everything
now
it is almost like they got what they wanted and see ya
they send me pictures when i ask
but it just sucks
i never expected anything in return..nothing
i knew what i was doing
but come on
i mean
i dont know how to explain this without sounding like a spoiled brat
i gave them their family
a life
my son
and well, i would just expect alittle more...
a little more communication
something
some sense that i am appreciated
i dont know if this is coming out right
i mean
i wonder if they still talk about me
if they still tell him about me
i just dont wanna be faded out
i am gonna stop
i dont want to hurt anyones feelings...
i hate this whole thing
i wish ALL the feelings would go away.......

the latest

here is the neweset pictures of aiden.....

cute..

he is getting big...

and

i love that they tried the hat on a ludwig head..........lol

good times are a comin...i can feel it

i havent heard from the dads in a while
i geuss working and taking care of aiden ...well i know how being with the kiddos can be
i have been trying not to think of him
focusing on my kids
my house ....
today i actually stripped the kitchen
scrubbed
yesterday i began the excercise routine
i havent ran since last hmmmmmmmmmmmm..... august?
ahem
yeah
so
i woke up completely miserable sunday
decided that sunday was the day
found out that i could run the track at good old woody high
off i went
no kids
jareds ipod thingy ( yeah....i dont even have one....mp4.mp3 ... whatever)
lol
so i start off walking..thinking of him
it started to snow
lightly
i was alone there
and i started to run
run
run
and then all of a sudden
out of no where
the tears
do you know how hard it is to cry and run after having a baby
being fat
not being able to breathe and for some reason
i could not for the life of me control the tears....
and let me tell you...i havent even walked for how long
i ran
i got pissed cause everything started to hurt
and usually i would just quit
i ran
i cried
the pain i felt in my legs....
it was good pain
my lungs hurt
and after i couldnt run anymore
i screamed
lmao
yep
i layed in the middle of the soccer field
and let it out
crying
hope no one was trying to come onto the track
..who the hell is this freakish,big ass woman laying and screaming
..anyway
yeah
that was me
my new outlet
fuck being unhealthy..well i havent started changing any foods or anything...
come on people..one step at a time right
and if this means that i get alone time with my thoughts
with no kids
no dj
well, folks..
i may be down to my abercrombie weight in no time

by the way...
i did 2 miles
i cannot walk today
but i did
put collin in the stroller and walked
can anyone say
shin splints
and i feel like someone broke my ribs...

it is a good day
lol

im back

i am back
i know how everyone worries and well..
i hooked up the old dinosaur computer
lol
i am doing a lot better
or not
i dont know
i just know that i am not dwelling
that is the first step on my list
not too dwell
i am taking my time in the morning
breathe
when all else fails.........breathe
then i go about the day
i have come to terms with the fact that i am never going to get over these feelings
i have to learn how to cope with the hurt
wether it be blogs
talking
therapy
whatever
i just need to realize i have no control over this one
i cannot hide it
i cannot just put it aside

a little update

so, i just wanted to let everyone know...
i am gonna take some time off
i am forced...
soemthing is wrong with the computer...
ANYWHOOOO....
it is good though
i need to spend time with my laundry and dust bunnies...
i actually got the whole attic cleaned and dusted and sheets washed today.......
~no mom....NOT THE CLOSET...no on can see that..lmao
anyway
i got an update from the dads
lucas is doing well
he is now over 11lbs
got his first shots
and dad is on his way back to work
paternity leave is over...
maybe now he can get a little tiny speck of what i feel day to day
dj and i talked alot this week about him...for the first time
it felt good.
i am feeling a little better tooo...
still missing him
still wishing i could put that box away..
not yet
not time
its coming though...
there is more laughter than tears
and a lot less laundry!

new picture of aiden...

thelma and louise

i love instant messaging.......
it is so funny that i could sit and type for hours with my bud...
.my firiend of almost 20 years (Or is it longer than that........holy shit i can say i have a friend of twenty plus years..we are getting old) and literlaly laugh so hard and loud
i almost woke the kids
laugh til i almost peed myselfi just had to say..
thank you deb
now i know when i am feeling blue,
i will just remember that we are gonna go to graceland
scream on all the roller coasters
we are gonna get ourselves back....
and when i really need to laugh..
i will justjust think of jaba at the end of the island...
telling his wife how much YOU like to snack,
or us in helmets and harnesses on the tight rope
or the funniest one yet...........i will just think of the fat girl that ate our highschool friend
christ..........
i love it
you have been with me on this long road and maybe just maybe
with you and our laughter
it may not be so long
thank you for tonight

just for me

i am fine...
as far as fine goes...
my kids do not see me cry
they see mom...
they come home, i am usually making their snack.....
they play, we all have dinner together, we do homework and they get bathed and go to bed
everything in their world is just the same
collin and i play cars, watch movies and read books, play, he helps me clean...
i have my computer time in the am while he sleeps...
everything is fine in their world...
i want everyone that reads these blogs to realize...
the thoughts that i share here..
they are feelings that i dump here
they may not last all day
but then again, some do...
i type and leave and usually do not come back to this unless there are comments posted and then i read what i wrote
i cannot say that i feel the same way everyday
i do however have the ache, the lump, the emptiniess all the time....
but do not worry
i am good at hiding things
i have done it all my life
i am good at it
fuck...half of my family didnt even know i was pregnant
that still pisses me off too...
another secret
i had just got out from under all of my secrets...
all of my wrongs were being mended..
everything was going well...
and then....i do that
but...aiden shouldn't be a secret
but god forbid that i upset anyone ..
anyway...that is a whole other issue that i dont wanna get into now......
i just want everyone to know...i dont lay around and cry
if i feel it coming on, or feel like i get emotional..i take it to the bathroom
christ....dj doesnt even know i cry anymore
so family, friends...
set your minds at ease
i dont cry in front of anyone..
my family is fine
my kids are wonderful
i can take care of me
i dont need anyone to do it for me
so stop telling me that my family needs me
just stop
not one of you reading this blog knows what the fuck i am going through
nor can you tell me how much time i should have
let me describe this to you in a way that you may understand
imagine you got pregnant
and the doctor tells you that you can have the baby but he i sick and will be taken away after he is born....
the whole time you are pregnant, you know that you are not going to be the one that takes care of him, or that will be with him, but you will see him occasionally
and you think you are alright..
that you will be fine
then he is born and they lay him on top of you and you look in his eyes
and he is you
then a few days later he is gone forever
and that is the part that hurts alot...
it is literally painful
people...
i dont know how to tell you how i am feeling
all i know is it sucks
and i know that i fucking made this choice..
but shit,
it hurts..
its like a mourning..
so like i have said before....
if you click on the page and read
then you should be happy that i am talking about it
that i am using this page to vent..
to sort through this haze
these feelings that i have never felt before
i used this page to vent
this is for me
this is just mine

let me go

i am sitting here..
collin taking a nap is very unusual and so is the site of my house being clean
so inbetween loads of laundry i am thinking of him today
i am thinking of a lot
why
why did i do it
why did i let him go
i am a coward
the words "to give him a better life"
sure
easy
did i give lily away to give her a better life
abby
collin
i know the reasons
deep down are true
i know the acceptance thing
i know i would lose my husband
but he is mine
was mine
and these thoughts are really starting to drive me crazy
and everyone keeps giving me things to do to keep my mind off of it...
but i have come to realize today is that
I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT THINK OF HIM
AND EVERYTHING I DO MAKES ME THINK OF HIM
i am not washing his clothes
and when i make koolaid...i should be making bottles
and when i change collins diaper..is should be changing his
i started to scapbook again ..... should i be doing one for him
i have the box of the things i kept from the hospital
i opened the box and inside was the onesie and hat he wore when he was with me...
the first blanket that he was wrapped in when they gave him to me....
his pacifier that was left on the bed when they took him from me....
my bracelet and i begin again to cry .....
uncontrollably...
people
there is a hole in my heart that is just never going to mend
let me go
leave me alone for a while
dont ask if i want to go anwhere because i dont
dont ask if i want to fucking excersise, or go for a walk
because i dont want to
dont fucking ask me if i am ok.....
I AM NOT
just leave me hurt so that i can heal
let me cry
and as much as i want to be ok
i cannot let go yet
i dont know why
i need to get some time under my belt before i can just move on..
i dont have the answers this time
no one does
but just listen to me
let me go
so i can let go....
please

middle feeling?

ok...
so i sit here thinking of him
we were at the park today and i thought of him being with us there, in the stroller, enjoying the weather
then i really look at that picture of him
the same as i always do
and for the first time tonight...
i look at someone elses child
and it is a totally different feeling
it is not sad
it is not happy
it still is a hurt
but it is different
i geuss it is a middle feeling
but when i look tonight and look at him, i get pains in my chest
because i realize...he will not know me as my own children do...
not mom
jen...birthmother
i geuss i am beginning to be ok
as much as it hurts, i am coming to accept it
that i will always have an ache....
my scar...
i just dont know how to explain it......
he is not mine...
but when i see his eyes...i see me
it is like an out of body experience..
i wish i could explain better
i wish i had the right words right now
for my own sanity!
i wish this was easy
i do
but then again...when have i ever made anything in my life easy...
i miss him still
i do

how cute

....officially one month

i am a mom

Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on.Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

i got this in an email today...
it really hit me
you know, i think that i am having such a hard time with this whole thing...cause this is who i am
I AM A MOM
that is my job
it is what i always wanted to be
it is me
and he was mine and i gave him away
being a mom
it is what i know
it is all i know right now
so all of you reding this blog
please keep these word in mind when you tell me that everything is going to be ok
it s not gonna be for a long time...possibly ever

nothing

yester day he was a month old
i feel like it has been a year
i am tired

dreams

did you ever have a dream that you were back to one moment in your life that you dont ever want to be again.......
i woke up this morning, missing him so much...
the hollow feeling,
lump in my throat..
all due to a horrible dream...
i was there
again
in the hospital room
holding him
wiping my tears from his face
almost to the point of throwing up
the pain was overwhelming
the clock ticking
"we have to take him now....."
"no, i need a couple minutes..please......please leave me alone.......please"
that was the day he was gone from me
the day i wish so much i could forget
the day that is haunting my dreams...
my days are getting better
not all of them are so dark..
but today is i geuss...
right now is..
moment, by moment, it does get a little brighter
i geuss