just for me

i am fine...
as far as fine goes...
my kids do not see me cry
they see mom...
they come home, i am usually making their snack.....
they play, we all have dinner together, we do homework and they get bathed and go to bed
everything in their world is just the same
collin and i play cars, watch movies and read books, play, he helps me clean...
i have my computer time in the am while he sleeps...
everything is fine in their world...
i want everyone that reads these blogs to realize...
the thoughts that i share here..
they are feelings that i dump here
they may not last all day
but then again, some do...
i type and leave and usually do not come back to this unless there are comments posted and then i read what i wrote
i cannot say that i feel the same way everyday
i do however have the ache, the lump, the emptiniess all the time....
but do not worry
i am good at hiding things
i have done it all my life
i am good at it
fuck...half of my family didnt even know i was pregnant
that still pisses me off too...
another secret
i had just got out from under all of my secrets...
all of my wrongs were being mended..
everything was going well...
and then....i do that
but...aiden shouldn't be a secret
but god forbid that i upset anyone ..
anyway...that is a whole other issue that i dont wanna get into now......
i just want everyone to know...i dont lay around and cry
if i feel it coming on, or feel like i get emotional..i take it to the bathroom
christ....dj doesnt even know i cry anymore
so family, friends...
set your minds at ease
i dont cry in front of anyone..
my family is fine
my kids are wonderful
i can take care of me
i dont need anyone to do it for me
so stop telling me that my family needs me
just stop
not one of you reading this blog knows what the fuck i am going through
nor can you tell me how much time i should have
let me describe this to you in a way that you may understand
imagine you got pregnant
and the doctor tells you that you can have the baby but he i sick and will be taken away after he is born....
the whole time you are pregnant, you know that you are not going to be the one that takes care of him, or that will be with him, but you will see him occasionally
and you think you are alright..
that you will be fine
then he is born and they lay him on top of you and you look in his eyes
and he is you
then a few days later he is gone forever
and that is the part that hurts alot...
it is literally painful
people...
i dont know how to tell you how i am feeling
all i know is it sucks
and i know that i fucking made this choice..
but shit,
it hurts..
its like a mourning..
so like i have said before....
if you click on the page and read
then you should be happy that i am talking about it
that i am using this page to vent..
to sort through this haze
these feelings that i have never felt before
i used this page to vent
this is for me
this is just mine