middle feeling?

ok...
so i sit here thinking of him
we were at the park today and i thought of him being with us there, in the stroller, enjoying the weather
then i really look at that picture of him
the same as i always do
and for the first time tonight...
i look at someone elses child
and it is a totally different feeling
it is not sad
it is not happy
it still is a hurt
but it is different
i geuss it is a middle feeling
but when i look tonight and look at him, i get pains in my chest
because i realize...he will not know me as my own children do...
not mom
jen...birthmother
i geuss i am beginning to be ok
as much as it hurts, i am coming to accept it
that i will always have an ache....
my scar...
i just dont know how to explain it......
he is not mine...
but when i see his eyes...i see me
it is like an out of body experience..
i wish i could explain better
i wish i had the right words right now
for my own sanity!
i wish this was easy
i do
but then again...when have i ever made anything in my life easy...
i miss him still
i do