let me go

i am sitting here..
collin taking a nap is very unusual and so is the site of my house being clean
so inbetween loads of laundry i am thinking of him today
i am thinking of a lot
why
why did i do it
why did i let him go
i am a coward
the words "to give him a better life"
sure
easy
did i give lily away to give her a better life
abby
collin
i know the reasons
deep down are true
i know the acceptance thing
i know i would lose my husband
but he is mine
was mine
and these thoughts are really starting to drive me crazy
and everyone keeps giving me things to do to keep my mind off of it...
but i have come to realize today is that
I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT THINK OF HIM
AND EVERYTHING I DO MAKES ME THINK OF HIM
i am not washing his clothes
and when i make koolaid...i should be making bottles
and when i change collins diaper..is should be changing his
i started to scapbook again ..... should i be doing one for him
i have the box of the things i kept from the hospital
i opened the box and inside was the onesie and hat he wore when he was with me...
the first blanket that he was wrapped in when they gave him to me....
his pacifier that was left on the bed when they took him from me....
my bracelet and i begin again to cry .....
uncontrollably...
people
there is a hole in my heart that is just never going to mend
let me go
leave me alone for a while
dont ask if i want to go anwhere because i dont
dont ask if i want to fucking excersise, or go for a walk
because i dont want to
dont fucking ask me if i am ok.....
I AM NOT
just leave me hurt so that i can heal
let me cry
and as much as i want to be ok
i cannot let go yet
i dont know why
i need to get some time under my belt before i can just move on..
i dont have the answers this time
no one does
but just listen to me
let me go
so i can let go....
please