just an update

havent talked much to the dads in a while
i rarely talk to rick
joe calls every now and again to see how i am doing
but it seems, now that they have all the legal stuff
and medical bills paid for .....
contact is minimal


oh well i geuss that is the way this thing goes
i am glad that they call at all

i dont
i dont call at all
i am afraid of hearing him
or just feeling like i am interrupting


i am going to see him july 19th

i hope i am ok



i am


i just dont like not knowing anything
and everything
not feeding him
or comforting him
like after doctors appointments withshots
or holding him just because

not being the one he cries for


it still hurts
everyday
i hide it a lot more now



it aches so much sometimes, i just dont know what to do with myself
i thought writing would help, but they edit the shit out of that....
and it turns out something they want, not what i wrote, or what i felt
so i get pissed at that too....


i miss him everyday
i can still feel his breath in my dreams
see his little hand holding mine


i geuss i will always miss him...
always

Just in case.....

JUST IN CASE NO ONE READ DEBS BLOG

For Jenn
Today , the day before Mother's Day... I want to take a moment to reflect on an intense experience I was a part of this year. It is an extra special day for me to observe and an intense recognition for one person in my life and it is important to me to take the time to do so.Happy Mother's Day to my incredible friend Jenn.I think of you everyday but today and tomorrow especially as we celebrate: yes I did say celebrate. All that you have brought to this world, all you have brought to another family's life, all the difficult choices made that I know you still struggle with today. I embrace it with you because I know... I know... that the struggle can be overwhelming and dark.When there is nothing left to do but embrace it.. I will grasp it with both arms and squeeze with you.I know today is special for you in a way much different from tomorrow's celebration. I smile with you remembering what a special time it was to be invited to share. For Aiden, for you. :) Have a beautiful and happy day. I am proud of the person you are, have always been and are becoming. Each day chisels out a new piece of my oldest and dearest friend. For being simply my friend I thank you. For being so real , the world thanks you.Love ,d


my true blue friend...
she called me saturday
the only one
saturday was Birthmoms Day
little meaning to most...
to me
just made me think of him ...
i cry still
i struggle daily
saturday was hard......



i love debs words and i am typing this through tears
thank you debby
because without her, i dont know how i would be getting through most of the minutes of the day
even though sometimes i fall of the earth for a few days, i know when i come back...
she is there
waiting for an update
ready to hold on to me if i am ready to collapse
and always a funny word or two to make me laugh....

i love ya deb

3 moths old

this is the newest picture of him...
he looks so old....

wow

anyway, the whole birth mothers day ...nada

mothers day....ok

but i heard nothing from the dads

i should have figured as much

they are busy...

yeah

sure

nothing much new

i submitted my article last week
for the adoption web site
and also the newsletter they mail out to birthmoms and women that are pregnant looking for families to adopt..but arent sure...
i am proud of the piece i wrote...
i was terribly nervous to submitt it...
i took it from this web site and elaborated on it
my true feelings.
putting myself out there...
even with this blog..i get a lot of responses good and bad....
so i am anxious to see what is to come
i am very proud of it and will let you all know when it is published...
i am actually getting paid for this..
it is monthly
my own column...
i don't have a title yet
they want me to come up with one quickly
anywho...
mky next post will be about "Birthmoms Day"
it is saturday
the day before mothers day
it is actually celebrated ....
we shall see what happens
what kind of mood i am in...etfc
i want to say one thing
i dont publish all of the comments that get sent to me on this web site...
only the ones i want ..you all can see
but i want to thank all of you that keep checking back
all of you that comment ....the good and the bad
it lets me know, sort of with out having to say it...all of you are in my corner...
NO MATTER WHAT
love you guys