Sunday, April 19, 2009

pain



i am so sorry.....
how did i do this?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

happy easter aiden....lucas aiden






















happy easter aiden
what a smile...
he is starting to look more like me
and is totally gorgeous!





looking at these






makes me have so much regret






instead of feeling happy ...






i am sick to my stomach






why did i ever let him go

Sunday, April 12, 2009

where am i?

well...its easter and i have no heard from the dads since his birthday
i know the phone and email work both ways
but you would think
like wow she gave us our family
she gave us lucas
she gave us a piece of herself
i mean, that day is so fresh in my mind, i get choked up thinking about it
i still remember having to leave that room
wanting to run back as the elevator doors closed
and i want to blame everyone
my family
my husband
cause i know he came from something so bad
but he is a part of me
me
that i had to give up

so no i am not ok anymore
just cause i dont talk about it
or blog about it
i am not
i dont know if i ever will
and it doesnt help that
i rarely get anything from them
a picture here and there....
i get a meet me half way in a hotel you probably cant afford
not come see where your baby is going to live and grow into a man
not come meet his family
or see how he is loved
nothing
i have felt like an outsider since i got the flowers with a card in it
"thanks will never be enough"
i feel left out
i feel like they were so in my ass for so many months while i was pregnant.
and
now nothing
you know
i chose you
i chose you because not many people would and i thought you would just love him to peices and i am sure you are
i am just real mad
mad at the way i thought things would go and they arent
i dont know him
and i am sure as hell he doesnt know me
it hurts so much every day
and instead of getting better
its getting worse
it hurts
i am just getting better at hiding it
all the people that were around me for so long, are gone
not only did i choose a wonderful family for aiden,
i thought it would be a part of me...an extended family


happy fucking easter!

Monday, April 6, 2009

i dont know what the hell..........

i know you must all be wondering what the hell has happened to me
but i have no news
cause i have not emailed him
not thought...thats a lie
i think of him everyday
but i havent gotten any news since his birthday
and we just couldnt get it together for a visit
and well
in that time
i just realized that i am not ready
for any of it
in one way i want more than anything to see him
hold him
smell him
and in another
nothing at all
and i dont know what end of the spectrum to travel
i seem to have went to depressed..to hating everyone around me
see
i really havent hear from anyone family memeber since my sons birthday
i mean
whatever
i just am better off alone like this
no one to aggrevate
i want to see aiden
and i am scared
too scared to do it
i have been a coward a lot of my life
why stop now