where am i?

well...its easter and i have no heard from the dads since his birthday
i know the phone and email work both ways
but you would think
like wow she gave us our family
she gave us lucas
she gave us a piece of herself
i mean, that day is so fresh in my mind, i get choked up thinking about it
i still remember having to leave that room
wanting to run back as the elevator doors closed
and i want to blame everyone
my family
my husband
cause i know he came from something so bad
but he is a part of me
me
that i had to give up

so no i am not ok anymore
just cause i dont talk about it
or blog about it
i am not
i dont know if i ever will
and it doesnt help that
i rarely get anything from them
a picture here and there....
i get a meet me half way in a hotel you probably cant afford
not come see where your baby is going to live and grow into a man
not come meet his family
or see how he is loved
nothing
i have felt like an outsider since i got the flowers with a card in it
"thanks will never be enough"
i feel left out
i feel like they were so in my ass for so many months while i was pregnant.
and
now nothing
you know
i chose you
i chose you because not many people would and i thought you would just love him to peices and i am sure you are
i am just real mad
mad at the way i thought things would go and they arent
i dont know him
and i am sure as hell he doesnt know me
it hurts so much every day
and instead of getting better
its getting worse
it hurts
i am just getting better at hiding it
all the people that were around me for so long, are gone
not only did i choose a wonderful family for aiden,
i thought it would be a part of me...an extended family


happy fucking easter!