new pics

these are the newest

how cute is he?

please

recently
i have been doing a lot of thinking
thinking of why
thinking of why i did this....
why i dont think about him
why i block him out
and when i let him in
i ache
why no one knows about this beautiful baby
why do i hate myself so much
why
why why
i could go on and on
i put myself out here
vulnerable
all my thoughts and fears and feelings....
all for the hope that someone may try to understand how i feel


well
i get mixed emotions from people
lots of hate
lots of "what kind of person are you...
you are no mother...
what kind of mother...."

so i need to vent
and here i go


i am a good mother
i may not have tons of money and my kids may not have tons of vacations, and trips to the mall and i may yell alot
but i am here
my lap and my heart and my ears and arms are always open for them
we talk about everything
any questions they have
i answer honestly
we play and laugh
and sometimes we all fight and cry
but i love them
and the love they have for me is overwhelming


I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER
i am not a bad mother because i gave aiden away
i loved him enough to know that alot of people would have never loved him like i do
i loved him enough to give him to two parents that longed for a child and may have thought they were never gonna have one...
he made them a family
he has a family


and maybe i say these things because i am trying to convince myself
maybe

i dont know
all i know is that today i am wreck
i want him here crawling on my floor
crying for me
i want to be going crazy with laundry and kids and caos
(not that i am not already)

but i geuss i just want to be alright
I JUST WANT TO BE OK


i want everyone to leave me the fuck alone
and realize that your words hurt me
that i hurt everyday because i dont have him
and all you are doing is making it worse
do you know that?

my anonymous commenter
i am hurting
and i am crying again and i hate you
and i cannot wait for the day when i find out who it is

are you that cruel of a person to bring up feelings like this
i know what i did
i know
i know
we all know


i miss him every single fucking day of my life
i regret so much
everyday of my life
and i cant do it anymore


]please
i am begging you
please leave me alone
please let me move on

please

today

i had him brought to my attention today
my little ground hog day baby
i felt it again
his breath
my tears
the pain
i didnt know it could still be so fresh
i ache for him

aiden

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eight months ago.......

here he is
eight months old
as much as i dont want to think about him anymore
my dreams are filled with him
i have been waking up with that lump in my throat lately
and having to hold back
i dont want to cry anymore
i dont
look at his little feet
i want to see him
to touch him
but the thought of the pain of having to leave him again is so overwhelming, that i am scared i am never going to want to see him...
i loved him enough to give him this wonderful life he has
at least that's what i keep telling myself
oh well
sigh..........................