i would give anything to go back...
just to have one more day with him..
alone with him..even if it was in the hospital
just to smell him
hold him so he can hear my heart beating...
just one more day.....
i would have stayed longer
i would have told him more
i would have never let him go......
to hold him
god i hate this
i am banning myself from this blog for a while
it is getting harder instead of easier
somedays i have to be reminded to take a shower
and my laundry is piled up to the ceiling
my kitchen floor hasnt seen mr clean in weeks....
i have been consumed in this sorrow...
i am like the tears of a clown...
i can put on a good game face, for other parents, school, friends..
i just dont know how to get out of this
anti depressants are only leveling me out....NOTHING is going to take this pain away
this emptiness
and while sometimes i feel like i am feeling sorry for myself....
i dont know
i am just trying to put one foot in front of the other...
i am tired
i am manic
i dont know who i am anymore
the girl that gave away her baby
the girl that looks in the eyes of her children, knowing they have a little brother out there...
my daughters are just amazed at how the "surgery"is making my belly small....
what are they going to think of me when they get older..
is it going to be that picture of the cute family picnics...with aiden and jared, josh, lily and abby and collin
or are they all just going to hate me for my decision
who knows i geuss
who knows
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4 comments:
You can't keep doing this to yourself. You have to try to remember why you did this. Aiden will know who you are. You kids are going to understand. When they are older they will see there was no other alternative for you. You made a good choice. Don't beat yourself up for it. That is what I am here for. We need a weekend night of us ripping on each other and mom and dad, that will take this away. Laughter is alway the best medicine. Just think of mom crawling through the tunnel. We all love you, you just have to let us. When you need a hug and to cry call me. I can come over. You just have to let me know what is going to make this a little easier for you and I will do it. I love you and always will no matter what you just have to let me in. By the way 90210 is back on at 5 and 6 for a lighter note. Love you.
Oh Jen, I wish I could say something anything to make you feel better I love you, really do. I feel your pain, I hear it everytime I read these. I just don't know what to say. I want to say thing like. Let's go get him. He is yours he is ours, he is Josh, Jared, Lily, Abby and Collins brother. I do love him and think of him. I want to take road trips with you to see him. I actually dreamed I did see him last night. But, I told you in the hospital I hoped you would change your mind and you did not. You stayed strong because you knew this was the right decision for you little man. I could have never done it, he is with a very loving family, you did what WAS and IS right. Don't second guess yourself. YOU are a great mom, your kids love you and always will. I am just a phone call or email away. I am hear for you as much as you want me to be. STAY STRONG. You are an amazing women who gave the great gift someone could give. Be proud of that, I AM.
Love you
Just checking in. I hope you are having a good day. I think about you throughout my day. Stay strong you are a survivor. Don't doubt, you do know what's right for all your children. Your are raising them with your heart. THEY LOVE YOU and always will. Just wanted you to know this. I will keep reminding you. Now its back to work. Luv Ya
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