its not me

so...i sat for a while..
its quiet today...snowing
collin is sleeping
and i just looked at that picture...
his eyes
his nose
his hair
he is me....
he is me and i just have this numb feeling today
i want to hold him
i want to so bad that is hurts
and this hurt is so different..
for the past few days i have done what i do best...
block
i blocked him out...i blocked out this hurt
and yes, i laughed
yes i got out of the house
but today..i geuss i am worse
i dont know how to accept this pain and grow with it
i dont know how to let go
i dont know how to do this....
is there a counselor or someone that is going to tell me
give me a copy of an article that says how to let it all go..
i think not
i have taken all the kind words in
the "you are an awesome person"
"you are selfless"
those words, although they are very kind...
dont mean shit to me right now
because every time i hear , jen you did the right thing, or jen, you are so selfless
in my head i hear..."you are a coward....you created a life you could not take care of...you are cruel, this kids is growing up without his mother..."
and believe me it gets much worse
i am getting angry
i am sad
i hurt
i am sick of this ...it is making me insane i think
yes i am ok, because like through my whole life..i have always known the "right"thing to say or do....i may not have always done or said the right thing...but in the back of my mind, i knew ...
but what now
what is the right thing now
yes, i know that i have to take care of my kids, my husband, me
yes, i know i am not supposed to cry in front of them..cause god forbid they know that i hurt..
yes, i know i am suppose to go on with my life..go on with out him...
and that is what hurts
you can all tell me that he will know me, he has to know that he has a mom....
its not the same people
he doesnt have me
i am not there
i am not feeding him
i am not comforting him when he cries
i am not changing him
and most of all
i am not the one that just holds him..just because......just to hold him
it s not me