havent talked much to the dads in a while
i rarely talk to rick
joe calls every now and again to see how i am doing
but it seems, now that they have all the legal stuff
and medical bills paid for .....
contact is minimal
oh well i geuss that is the way this thing goes
i am glad that they call at all
i dont
i dont call at all
i am afraid of hearing him
or just feeling like i am interrupting
i am going to see him july 19th
i hope i am ok
i am
i just dont like not knowing anything
and everything
not feeding him
or comforting him
like after doctors appointments withshots
or holding him just because
not being the one he cries for
it still hurts
everyday
i hide it a lot more now
it aches so much sometimes, i just dont know what to do with myself
i thought writing would help, but they edit the shit out of that....
and it turns out something they want, not what i wrote, or what i felt
so i get pissed at that too....
i miss him everyday
i can still feel his breath in my dreams
see his little hand holding mine
i geuss i will always miss him...
always
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Just journaling this exprience
2 comments:
I've been reading your blog off and on and just wanted to say hang in hon. From one birthmom to another, hugs!
You know what, I just want to let you know, I think about him alot, you can talk to me. We can meet for lunch or you can just come over in the evening and we can talk, I would not mind talking about him. I told you once before, I will never get tired of talking about him. I just want you to be okay, if talking about hime make you feel better than please talk away.
You are doing a great job hiding your hurt. I know its there, don't think I don't. But is is okay to laugh and have a good time. Doing that does not mean you don't miss him...Living your life with your kids and husband and enjoying that life does not mean you forget him. It only means you have to LIVE in every moment of your life missing him and feeling you have to hide it. You do not have to with me...Honestly, if I could could get him back for you, just so your hurt would go away, I would. Also I would love to have another grandson. Don't be afraid to talk about it with me....Love You
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