so apparently
you all dont like to hear the truth
the feelings i have
then dont come here
dont read this page
cause it feels like i am at a stand still
i will talk about it
type about it
i just dont know how to move on
in my alone time
all i do is think of him
and i think of josh
how he must feel
he has no idea about aiden...
about how i feel
but i feel the same of him
i just never ever talked about it
no one does
it just happened
i wonder if he ever wants to be here
with me
with his brothers and sisters
i wonder
i wonder why i dont talk to him about it
brushed under the rug
the way most of my problems throughout my life, from as long as i can remember
have been taken care of
not talked about
i dont want him to be like that
to not talk
talk
type
write
just get it out
i just have so much regret
i just dont know how to let go
of it all
i dont know
just babbling now
blah blah blah
dont mind me.....
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Just journaling this exprience
4 comments:
Wow, my heart goes out to Josh and all your children.
So talk to Josh.
It's never too late and you don't want to create : a future rug brusher. Be honest with him. That's the best. Don't FEEL all this... turn it into something that you're proud of. Why have ONE MORE REGRET?
NO more sitting on shit. Get rid of it and talk to him. He'll respect you for it: someday when he's able to have that ability.
My mom never did. I always wondered. Wondering is worse sometimes. I always thought it was me.
love you
i've been thinking about you all week.
i agree with debby. what is stopping you from talking to josh? at this point, what are you afraid of?
you can't go back, but you can go forward--and it seems like you need his support, that he is the constant in your life that has that angelic feel to it. (does that make sense?) while it may help him as debby said---i think it will do your heart good as well.
i don't get it sometimes, shocker, right? the wondering, the skeletons, not understanding what is happening to people--and the hiding?
you have a blog. a public blog. if you can share with the world, with people you don't know or the jackasses reading & commenting that don't deserve to know (sorry, i can say that cause you don't know me--even though i do not post annonymously)--- why can't you share with him? it's scary. it's hard. so maybe you're not ready. i understand that. and i respect that--and above all, you have to do things on YOUR terms to heal your very broken heart. don't underestimate that.
i love ya. you're doing great.
ps. i don't know how to spell check this thing. or spell for that matter.
Don't be hard on yourself. Break the cycle. Change the cycle. Just because you were raised in a home that wouldn't allow you to express yourself, don't allow him to be. Let him know his thoughts and feelings are important, and so are your's! You can't change your past and the way your family brushed everything under the rug, but you can change his future! The truth sucks sometimes, but the truth is always better than pretending everything is ok when it is not. What if he is really hurting inside and feels abandoned, or unwanted or not good enough. Children need to feel loved and wanted and special to someone. Thats the great thing with Aiden, he will always know how wanted and loved he was by his Dads. And how much you loved him to give him a better life. And Debby is right, turn it into something you are proud of. And as Carrie said, he is the constant in your life, but who is the constant in his?
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