i dont know

i am not sure where i am going with this...
i have been thinking a lot of aiden today...
i sent the dads an email
i want to see him
and i decided to do it before the first birthday...
i dont think i can handle letting him go again on the same day just one year later
and in that same thought...
i am fearing groundhog day
yep that is the day he was born
so anyway
i am scared
and i am getting these sick feelings when i think of seeing him
like actually painful stomach pains
and i am scared
but it is something i have to do for myself
i have been crying a lot lately
thinking of him alot more than i did
wishing i had seen him throughout this year
why am i always regretting?
i am such a what if i did this type of person
and it drives me crazy


i am going crazy lately....
really
i dont know what is wrong with me