his little voice

these are the latest...aiden's first halloween....

this is my favorite.....soooooooooooo cute

too cute

i love when i can blog happy

lol

i finally got to talk to rick and joe on the phone and as i was talking to rick

i could hear him in the background...

yelling, happy...playing...

and i said is that lucas....

yeah...here...do you want to talk to him?

and i said yes

and for three seconds...my whole world stopped

it felt like an hour went by

my heart beating...

i flashed back to that moment...

and i could smell him

and then i hear...him

i said hello lucas.....i love you

and then this warm feeling, of happines and sadness and tears

and i just sat on my kitchen floor...

and i was talking to him, hearing him laugh...they said he was clapping and my head was spinning

and i felt like i couldnt breathe

and then i heard him giggle again

they laugh with him

and

i didnt want to hang up the phone..

i just wanted to hear him breathe

lol

they are so happy

and he is so happy

and well i geuss that makes me happy also...

everyday is hard...

but i n moments like this

the moments that i sit and think...

i made this family complete

i made them happy

and i did something monumental...

he is sooooooo happy

he is with his family

a family that loves him...completely

some days are hard

and others are ok

and days like this are a mix

i am happy to hear from them

and horribly heart broken that he is not with me

i dont know if i will ever be ok with it

but the wound is healing.......SLOWLY

i love him

i love his parents

and i love that i am the only mother he will ever know

"birthmother"

but mother none the less...