just for me

i am fine...
as far as fine goes...
my kids do not see me cry
they see mom...
they come home, i am usually making their snack.....
they play, we all have dinner together, we do homework and they get bathed and go to bed
everything in their world is just the same
collin and i play cars, watch movies and read books, play, he helps me clean...
i have my computer time in the am while he sleeps...
everything is fine in their world...
i want everyone that reads these blogs to realize...
the thoughts that i share here..
they are feelings that i dump here
they may not last all day
but then again, some do...
i type and leave and usually do not come back to this unless there are comments posted and then i read what i wrote
i cannot say that i feel the same way everyday
i do however have the ache, the lump, the emptiniess all the time....
but do not worry
i am good at hiding things
i have done it all my life
i am good at it
fuck...half of my family didnt even know i was pregnant
that still pisses me off too...
another secret
i had just got out from under all of my secrets...
all of my wrongs were being mended..
everything was going well...
and then....i do that
but...aiden shouldn't be a secret
but god forbid that i upset anyone ..
anyway...that is a whole other issue that i dont wanna get into now......
i just want everyone to know...i dont lay around and cry
if i feel it coming on, or feel like i get emotional..i take it to the bathroom
christ....dj doesnt even know i cry anymore
so family, friends...
set your minds at ease
i dont cry in front of anyone..
my family is fine
my kids are wonderful
i can take care of me
i dont need anyone to do it for me
so stop telling me that my family needs me
just stop
not one of you reading this blog knows what the fuck i am going through
nor can you tell me how much time i should have
let me describe this to you in a way that you may understand
imagine you got pregnant
and the doctor tells you that you can have the baby but he i sick and will be taken away after he is born....
the whole time you are pregnant, you know that you are not going to be the one that takes care of him, or that will be with him, but you will see him occasionally
and you think you are alright..
that you will be fine
then he is born and they lay him on top of you and you look in his eyes
and he is you
then a few days later he is gone forever
and that is the part that hurts alot...
it is literally painful
people...
i dont know how to tell you how i am feeling
all i know is it sucks
and i know that i fucking made this choice..
but shit,
it hurts..
its like a mourning..
so like i have said before....
if you click on the page and read
then you should be happy that i am talking about it
that i am using this page to vent..
to sort through this haze
these feelings that i have never felt before
i used this page to vent
this is for me
this is just mine

let me go

i am sitting here..
collin taking a nap is very unusual and so is the site of my house being clean
so inbetween loads of laundry i am thinking of him today
i am thinking of a lot
why
why did i do it
why did i let him go
i am a coward
the words "to give him a better life"
sure
easy
did i give lily away to give her a better life
abby
collin
i know the reasons
deep down are true
i know the acceptance thing
i know i would lose my husband
but he is mine
was mine
and these thoughts are really starting to drive me crazy
and everyone keeps giving me things to do to keep my mind off of it...
but i have come to realize today is that
I AM NEVER GOING TO NOT THINK OF HIM
AND EVERYTHING I DO MAKES ME THINK OF HIM
i am not washing his clothes
and when i make koolaid...i should be making bottles
and when i change collins diaper..is should be changing his
i started to scapbook again ..... should i be doing one for him
i have the box of the things i kept from the hospital
i opened the box and inside was the onesie and hat he wore when he was with me...
the first blanket that he was wrapped in when they gave him to me....
his pacifier that was left on the bed when they took him from me....
my bracelet and i begin again to cry .....
uncontrollably...
people
there is a hole in my heart that is just never going to mend
let me go
leave me alone for a while
dont ask if i want to go anwhere because i dont
dont ask if i want to fucking excersise, or go for a walk
because i dont want to
dont fucking ask me if i am ok.....
I AM NOT
just leave me hurt so that i can heal
let me cry
and as much as i want to be ok
i cannot let go yet
i dont know why
i need to get some time under my belt before i can just move on..
i dont have the answers this time
no one does
but just listen to me
let me go
so i can let go....
please

middle feeling?

ok...
so i sit here thinking of him
we were at the park today and i thought of him being with us there, in the stroller, enjoying the weather
then i really look at that picture of him
the same as i always do
and for the first time tonight...
i look at someone elses child
and it is a totally different feeling
it is not sad
it is not happy
it still is a hurt
but it is different
i geuss it is a middle feeling
but when i look tonight and look at him, i get pains in my chest
because i realize...he will not know me as my own children do...
not mom
jen...birthmother
i geuss i am beginning to be ok
as much as it hurts, i am coming to accept it
that i will always have an ache....
my scar...
i just dont know how to explain it......
he is not mine...
but when i see his eyes...i see me
it is like an out of body experience..
i wish i could explain better
i wish i had the right words right now
for my own sanity!
i wish this was easy
i do
but then again...when have i ever made anything in my life easy...
i miss him still
i do

how cute

....officially one month

i am a mom

Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on.Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

i got this in an email today...
it really hit me
you know, i think that i am having such a hard time with this whole thing...cause this is who i am
I AM A MOM
that is my job
it is what i always wanted to be
it is me
and he was mine and i gave him away
being a mom
it is what i know
it is all i know right now
so all of you reding this blog
please keep these word in mind when you tell me that everything is going to be ok
it s not gonna be for a long time...possibly ever

nothing

yester day he was a month old
i feel like it has been a year
i am tired

dreams

did you ever have a dream that you were back to one moment in your life that you dont ever want to be again.......
i woke up this morning, missing him so much...
the hollow feeling,
lump in my throat..
all due to a horrible dream...
i was there
again
in the hospital room
holding him
wiping my tears from his face
almost to the point of throwing up
the pain was overwhelming
the clock ticking
"we have to take him now....."
"no, i need a couple minutes..please......please leave me alone.......please"
that was the day he was gone from me
the day i wish so much i could forget
the day that is haunting my dreams...
my days are getting better
not all of them are so dark..
but today is i geuss...
right now is..
moment, by moment, it does get a little brighter
i geuss