almost 5 months

this is an updated picture of aiden

he is growing so fast

i look so forward to my visit in july

get it out

so apparently
you all dont like to hear the truth
the feelings i have
then dont come here
dont read this page
cause it feels like i am at a stand still
i will talk about it
type about it
i just dont know how to move on
in my alone time
all i do is think of him
and i think of josh
how he must feel
he has no idea about aiden...
about how i feel
but i feel the same of him
i just never ever talked about it
no one does
it just happened
i wonder if he ever wants to be here
with me
with his brothers and sisters
i wonder
i wonder why i dont talk to him about it
brushed under the rug
the way most of my problems throughout my life, from as long as i can remember
have been taken care of
not talked about
i dont want him to be like that
to not talk
talk
type
write
just get it out
i just have so much regret
i just dont know how to let go
of it all
i dont know
just babbling now
blah blah blah
dont mind me.....

remember this

after therapy last night...
and this rough week i have had...
i just want to crawl into a whole and sleep....
just sleep
i dont want to eat
i dont want to be awake...
i would love 24 hours of darkness....
talking to her last night made me not only realize that i was wrong to give him away
but now i will never have him back
i will get my visits
and now i have to press on
HOW
can someone tell me how to do this
i am much better with direction or and instructional pamphlet
my hands are shaking and i have tears streaming
I HATE THIS
it is such a helpless feeling....so fucking helpless



ok....and one side note


if you are going to comment on my blogs
i welcome you good and bad...
but put your fucking name on it...
not
birth
not you know who


michelle it is ok to comment on here...
mom you too
just let me know that it is you



for sure


i am tired of getting all these comments about how i need to be ok for my kids...
do you think for one second they see me cry or hurt or any of it.....they dont


i am leaving this go for a while...enjoy the HOT weather and my space from all of you....
just leave this alone
this has been turned into something that it should not be
remember when reading...


THIS IS MY BLOG
WHERE I WRITE IT DOWN AND LET IT GO
WHERE I AM ABLE TO FEEL
HONESTLY


remember that

yes....it still hurts

i have been doing everything in my power to not come to this page
i cant stand it, sometimes, that this page even exists
or that i had to have one
or that.....


i hate every day that he is not with me
i hate myself
for letting others influence any of my thoughts
and i hate
at the end of the day
i cannot make this ok
i cannot get him back

i just want to say
please
can i have him back now
please
i m his mother
i made a horrible decision
i can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore

it is not getting better
it is the same
if not worse

out of site out of mind
NOT
neither is the pain

no one understands it
and no one EVER will

stop pretending to care
stop trying to get close to me
to use this situation to try to bond with me

i am so tired of everyone using this baby
this adopotion to get to me
i dont like me anymore
how can a mother give up her son
the race card is old
i hate that i even began to think i understood that reason
because he is black....he couldnt be loved
and i hate that i gave into the concept of no one else could love him
accept him
well fuck you
fuck all of you that couldnt
i love him
i could have loved him enough for everyone that didnt
and what
he would have been looked at differently in school
what school
harvard
yale
not woodland hills
not anywhere

i am so mad at myself for listening to all of you
everyone
but most of all
for letting myself make a life changing decision
one that i will never be able to make right
this is a loss like no other
i wish for one fucking second that one of you could feel the hollowness that i endure daily
and people have the balls to ask whats wrong


I have a son that i miss more than you could ever imagine
he is with two men that dont even care if i am here or not
they sure did talk a good game
i gave him a name that he will never know
a name he will never be called
he will never call for me
mama


fuck

so to answer all your questions and concerns....
YES
it still fucking hurts
the more time that passes, the bigger the ache becomes
and there is no amount of therapy
or medicine
that is going to take that away

NOTHING will


yes
i want him back
everyday i regret
i hate it

just an update

havent talked much to the dads in a while
i rarely talk to rick
joe calls every now and again to see how i am doing
but it seems, now that they have all the legal stuff
and medical bills paid for .....
contact is minimal


oh well i geuss that is the way this thing goes
i am glad that they call at all

i dont
i dont call at all
i am afraid of hearing him
or just feeling like i am interrupting


i am going to see him july 19th

i hope i am ok



i am


i just dont like not knowing anything
and everything
not feeding him
or comforting him
like after doctors appointments withshots
or holding him just because

not being the one he cries for


it still hurts
everyday
i hide it a lot more now



it aches so much sometimes, i just dont know what to do with myself
i thought writing would help, but they edit the shit out of that....
and it turns out something they want, not what i wrote, or what i felt
so i get pissed at that too....


i miss him everyday
i can still feel his breath in my dreams
see his little hand holding mine


i geuss i will always miss him...
always

Just in case.....

JUST IN CASE NO ONE READ DEBS BLOG

For Jenn
Today , the day before Mother's Day... I want to take a moment to reflect on an intense experience I was a part of this year. It is an extra special day for me to observe and an intense recognition for one person in my life and it is important to me to take the time to do so.Happy Mother's Day to my incredible friend Jenn.I think of you everyday but today and tomorrow especially as we celebrate: yes I did say celebrate. All that you have brought to this world, all you have brought to another family's life, all the difficult choices made that I know you still struggle with today. I embrace it with you because I know... I know... that the struggle can be overwhelming and dark.When there is nothing left to do but embrace it.. I will grasp it with both arms and squeeze with you.I know today is special for you in a way much different from tomorrow's celebration. I smile with you remembering what a special time it was to be invited to share. For Aiden, for you. :) Have a beautiful and happy day. I am proud of the person you are, have always been and are becoming. Each day chisels out a new piece of my oldest and dearest friend. For being simply my friend I thank you. For being so real , the world thanks you.Love ,d


my true blue friend...
she called me saturday
the only one
saturday was Birthmoms Day
little meaning to most...
to me
just made me think of him ...
i cry still
i struggle daily
saturday was hard......



i love debs words and i am typing this through tears
thank you debby
because without her, i dont know how i would be getting through most of the minutes of the day
even though sometimes i fall of the earth for a few days, i know when i come back...
she is there
waiting for an update
ready to hold on to me if i am ready to collapse
and always a funny word or two to make me laugh....

i love ya deb

3 moths old

this is the newest picture of him...
he looks so old....

wow

anyway, the whole birth mothers day ...nada

mothers day....ok

but i heard nothing from the dads

i should have figured as much

they are busy...

yeah

sure