almost three months old

so this is the latest..

i think we are finally done with all the legal hoopla...

even though i am totally disgusted with the process....why i had to be involved with any of the "after" paper work is beyond me...but i did and i did it with no complaint to them...

i hate that most of the people invloved think that i am stupid...that i dont know my rights in all of this...or think that i do not know how to communicate like a human...or should i say an adult....an educated adult

oh well...

i geuss that is the role that i played

poor white girl got knocked up by some looser and left for ......DUMB?

oh well....ill jump through whatever hoops i gotta ....

not going to risk my relationship with him ..

aiden...lucas....with his daddy.....april....almost three months old...

words....

thinking of aiden today
i talked to dads yesterday on the phone
their words touched me
joe told me
we lay lucas down everynight on the blanket that you wrapped him in at the hospital and tell him of his mother...
what a beautiful boy
what beautiful people they truly are...

sweet little aiden..........

look at this little sweet face..

the innocence of being a baby..

he is so frakin cute

i was thinking of him alot today

kind of emotional

i am wondering what will become of this...this relationship

"birth"mother and son

what is going to become of my relationship with his fathers

who know i geuss

only time can tell.............

train wreck

i have come to realize this pain is a part of me
and the tears can resurface at any time

this morning....
lily was getting into the truck to go to school
and just the way she turned around to look at me
she said
"mom, i really love you"
and then gave me a little smile

i shut the door and broke down
i feel so guilty
like i have missed alot of time with them these past few months
because of the time i have spent sulking
crying
i feel so selfish
and then i feel so guilty for being selfish

i am a train wreck

i havent shed a tear in weeks
and today
like a flood

her little face
his little face

smile

well...how cute is that

aiden's first smile picture

he weighs 13 pounds now

got good report from doctors..

he looks happy

happy easter

here is the updated photos of aiden...

he enjoyed his easter..

i cannot wait to see a picture of him smiling!

mixed emotions today...

i only get emails when i ask for them

i asked them for easter pics of him...

...so no complaints i geuss...lol

he is beautiful and it is still heart wrenching to see him somewhere else

i am jealous

new feeling

i am jealous

i am angry

but i am soooo fucking jealous of them

that they get to see his first smile

his first easter

it hurts...but the pain is alot more dull now...

i get a lump in my throat everytime i see him

and i suppose that is going to happen forever

i dont talk about him anymore

i dont want to

just here

thats it

i dont want to talk about him

i dont know.....

i bet you are all wondering what happened..
i have been trying to avoid this page
trying to avoid everything about it
i had a hard weekend..
easter
his first easter
seeing logan, my nephew often reminds me of him...
all their "first's" are the same
so ...
well
anyway
i havent heard how aidens was..
i dont hear from them much
and i geuss that is where i am now
pissed
that while i was preggers
well..i heard from the dads all the time..
emails
phone calls
everything
now
it is almost like they got what they wanted and see ya
they send me pictures when i ask
but it just sucks
i never expected anything in return..nothing
i knew what i was doing
but come on
i mean
i dont know how to explain this without sounding like a spoiled brat
i gave them their family
a life
my son
and well, i would just expect alittle more...
a little more communication
something
some sense that i am appreciated
i dont know if this is coming out right
i mean
i wonder if they still talk about me
if they still tell him about me
i just dont wanna be faded out
i am gonna stop
i dont want to hurt anyones feelings...
i hate this whole thing
i wish ALL the feelings would go away.......