lucas aiden....first christmas

just thought id share...
merry christmas lucas...
love you

to my newbies...

well..
what a pleasant surprise today
i checked my email and have new comments
thank you is all i can say
i dont even think, really, when i write these
they just come out
like my fingers are just moving

thank you thank you thank you my new readers
your words mean a lot


i tried to stay positive during christmas
tried to think of him laughing and opening gifts or eating the paper
watching my nephew who is only a little older, i think a month or so...
i thought of him
i thought of aiden
i thought of joe and rick laughing with him
and how thankful they must be to have a "family" this year
and while my heart and body ached this year
thoughts of their happines made the pain a little less harsh
i think my illness, the flu, or whatever i had could have been due to the gut wrenching crying i did on chrismas eve
after the kids went to bed, i wrapped and built and then just stared at the tree lights....blurred by tears...
but i was ok
i am ok
these next few weeks are going to be really hard for me
i am anitcipating the visit i am going to have with him
jan 17th
i am going to see him
to hold him again
and again, have to give him back
i am sure the visits will get easier as the years pass....but please
say a little prayer for me
that in the month to come...that i hold it together
i am sure i will
on the outside
but i am scared, nervous, excited....
and really mixed up...
just keep me in your thoughts...please
i am not backing out of this visit!

flashbacks

so...
i just thought i would blog this
last week, i had some female problems and was rushed into magee er
everything is fine,
but it didnt even dawn on me until leaving the building
i hadnt been there since i left aiden...
and it came rushing over me like a huge wave of emotion
that feeling
of stepping off of that elevator
with my legs weak
tears flowing uncontrolably and the nurse in the elevator holding me
i loved her
she sat with me every night there..
she wasnt a nurse...she was the blood pressure lady
lol
but she stayed to walk me out
asking me if i was sure..



the lump returned



i sat in the lobby...
looking at the big windows
and i never wanted out of one place so much in my life

wish you were here

the day is slowly appraoching
the day fo aidens birth
and on feb 2
i dont know what i am going to do
i think i will save money and shop
and clean
and i dont fucking know
i was reminded again last night of him
going through christmas pictures,
my pregnant belly
i thought no one would see
and some really probably didnt...
cause they are too caught up in them selves to notice
but i looked
and i remember how i just wanted it to be over
and now i long for him to be back in there
feeling him kick
and holding my belly
i rearranged my closet
and there it was
the box
do you know that i can still smell him on that hat
looking at that pacifier
i almost fell to the floor last night
holding that blanket to my face
i actually held the cloth that i wiped my mascarad tears with
i hate that box and i would like to have someone that is close to me
keep it for me
i dont want to throw it away,
but i cannot have it in my house anymore
i sat and looked at all the pictures from the hospital
and i felt the room closing in on me
i lose my breath
i can feel me heart beating
and i am numb
he doesnt even know me
and i dont know what i am doing
do i just get rid of everything
i wish i could get rid of all this shit in my head
all of it
but most of all
i wish he was here
all the time

happy first thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving...
aiden
lucas aiden
happy first thanksgiving....
i am thinking of you
and i am missing my own as they spend the day with their dad
i am thinking of you
i am thinking of you
always.......


happy thanksgiving
rick and joe,
please hug him for me
give him an extra kiss and hug
tell him i love him
and gobble gobble...



happy thanksgiving

i dont know

i am not sure where i am going with this...
i have been thinking a lot of aiden today...
i sent the dads an email
i want to see him
and i decided to do it before the first birthday...
i dont think i can handle letting him go again on the same day just one year later
and in that same thought...
i am fearing groundhog day
yep that is the day he was born
so anyway
i am scared
and i am getting these sick feelings when i think of seeing him
like actually painful stomach pains
and i am scared
but it is something i have to do for myself
i have been crying a lot lately
thinking of him alot more than i did
wishing i had seen him throughout this year
why am i always regretting?
i am such a what if i did this type of person
and it drives me crazy


i am going crazy lately....
really
i dont know what is wrong with me

his little voice

these are the latest...aiden's first halloween....

this is my favorite.....soooooooooooo cute

too cute

i love when i can blog happy

lol

i finally got to talk to rick and joe on the phone and as i was talking to rick

i could hear him in the background...

yelling, happy...playing...

and i said is that lucas....

yeah...here...do you want to talk to him?

and i said yes

and for three seconds...my whole world stopped

it felt like an hour went by

my heart beating...

i flashed back to that moment...

and i could smell him

and then i hear...him

i said hello lucas.....i love you

and then this warm feeling, of happines and sadness and tears

and i just sat on my kitchen floor...

and i was talking to him, hearing him laugh...they said he was clapping and my head was spinning

and i felt like i couldnt breathe

and then i heard him giggle again

they laugh with him

and

i didnt want to hang up the phone..

i just wanted to hear him breathe

lol

they are so happy

and he is so happy

and well i geuss that makes me happy also...

everyday is hard...

but i n moments like this

the moments that i sit and think...

i made this family complete

i made them happy

and i did something monumental...

he is sooooooo happy

he is with his family

a family that loves him...completely

some days are hard

and others are ok

and days like this are a mix

i am happy to hear from them

and horribly heart broken that he is not with me

i dont know if i will ever be ok with it

but the wound is healing.......SLOWLY

i love him

i love his parents

and i love that i am the only mother he will ever know

"birthmother"

but mother none the less...