wish you were here

the day is slowly appraoching
the day fo aidens birth
and on feb 2
i dont know what i am going to do
i think i will save money and shop
and clean
and i dont fucking know
i was reminded again last night of him
going through christmas pictures,
my pregnant belly
i thought no one would see
and some really probably didnt...
cause they are too caught up in them selves to notice
but i looked
and i remember how i just wanted it to be over
and now i long for him to be back in there
feeling him kick
and holding my belly
i rearranged my closet
and there it was
the box
do you know that i can still smell him on that hat
looking at that pacifier
i almost fell to the floor last night
holding that blanket to my face
i actually held the cloth that i wiped my mascarad tears with
i hate that box and i would like to have someone that is close to me
keep it for me
i dont want to throw it away,
but i cannot have it in my house anymore
i sat and looked at all the pictures from the hospital
and i felt the room closing in on me
i lose my breath
i can feel me heart beating
and i am numb
he doesnt even know me
and i dont know what i am doing
do i just get rid of everything
i wish i could get rid of all this shit in my head
all of it
but most of all
i wish he was here
all the time

happy first thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving...
aiden
lucas aiden
happy first thanksgiving....
i am thinking of you
and i am missing my own as they spend the day with their dad
i am thinking of you
i am thinking of you
always.......


happy thanksgiving
rick and joe,
please hug him for me
give him an extra kiss and hug
tell him i love him
and gobble gobble...



happy thanksgiving

i dont know

i am not sure where i am going with this...
i have been thinking a lot of aiden today...
i sent the dads an email
i want to see him
and i decided to do it before the first birthday...
i dont think i can handle letting him go again on the same day just one year later
and in that same thought...
i am fearing groundhog day
yep that is the day he was born
so anyway
i am scared
and i am getting these sick feelings when i think of seeing him
like actually painful stomach pains
and i am scared
but it is something i have to do for myself
i have been crying a lot lately
thinking of him alot more than i did
wishing i had seen him throughout this year
why am i always regretting?
i am such a what if i did this type of person
and it drives me crazy


i am going crazy lately....
really
i dont know what is wrong with me

his little voice

these are the latest...aiden's first halloween....

this is my favorite.....soooooooooooo cute

too cute

i love when i can blog happy

lol

i finally got to talk to rick and joe on the phone and as i was talking to rick

i could hear him in the background...

yelling, happy...playing...

and i said is that lucas....

yeah...here...do you want to talk to him?

and i said yes

and for three seconds...my whole world stopped

it felt like an hour went by

my heart beating...

i flashed back to that moment...

and i could smell him

and then i hear...him

i said hello lucas.....i love you

and then this warm feeling, of happines and sadness and tears

and i just sat on my kitchen floor...

and i was talking to him, hearing him laugh...they said he was clapping and my head was spinning

and i felt like i couldnt breathe

and then i heard him giggle again

they laugh with him

and

i didnt want to hang up the phone..

i just wanted to hear him breathe

lol

they are so happy

and he is so happy

and well i geuss that makes me happy also...

everyday is hard...

but i n moments like this

the moments that i sit and think...

i made this family complete

i made them happy

and i did something monumental...

he is sooooooo happy

he is with his family

a family that loves him...completely

some days are hard

and others are ok

and days like this are a mix

i am happy to hear from them

and horribly heart broken that he is not with me

i dont know if i will ever be ok with it

but the wound is healing.......SLOWLY

i love him

i love his parents

and i love that i am the only mother he will ever know

"birthmother"

but mother none the less...

new pics

these are the newest

how cute is he?

please

recently
i have been doing a lot of thinking
thinking of why
thinking of why i did this....
why i dont think about him
why i block him out
and when i let him in
i ache
why no one knows about this beautiful baby
why do i hate myself so much
why
why why
i could go on and on
i put myself out here
vulnerable
all my thoughts and fears and feelings....
all for the hope that someone may try to understand how i feel


well
i get mixed emotions from people
lots of hate
lots of "what kind of person are you...
you are no mother...
what kind of mother...."

so i need to vent
and here i go


i am a good mother
i may not have tons of money and my kids may not have tons of vacations, and trips to the mall and i may yell alot
but i am here
my lap and my heart and my ears and arms are always open for them
we talk about everything
any questions they have
i answer honestly
we play and laugh
and sometimes we all fight and cry
but i love them
and the love they have for me is overwhelming


I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER
i am not a bad mother because i gave aiden away
i loved him enough to know that alot of people would have never loved him like i do
i loved him enough to give him to two parents that longed for a child and may have thought they were never gonna have one...
he made them a family
he has a family


and maybe i say these things because i am trying to convince myself
maybe

i dont know
all i know is that today i am wreck
i want him here crawling on my floor
crying for me
i want to be going crazy with laundry and kids and caos
(not that i am not already)

but i geuss i just want to be alright
I JUST WANT TO BE OK


i want everyone to leave me the fuck alone
and realize that your words hurt me
that i hurt everyday because i dont have him
and all you are doing is making it worse
do you know that?

my anonymous commenter
i am hurting
and i am crying again and i hate you
and i cannot wait for the day when i find out who it is

are you that cruel of a person to bring up feelings like this
i know what i did
i know
i know
we all know


i miss him every single fucking day of my life
i regret so much
everyday of my life
and i cant do it anymore


]please
i am begging you
please leave me alone
please let me move on

please

today

i had him brought to my attention today
my little ground hog day baby
i felt it again
his breath
my tears
the pain
i didnt know it could still be so fresh
i ache for him