almost 5 months

this is an updated picture of aiden

he is growing so fast

i look so forward to my visit in july

get it out

so apparently
you all dont like to hear the truth
the feelings i have
then dont come here
dont read this page
cause it feels like i am at a stand still
i will talk about it
type about it
i just dont know how to move on
in my alone time
all i do is think of him
and i think of josh
how he must feel
he has no idea about aiden...
about how i feel
but i feel the same of him
i just never ever talked about it
no one does
it just happened
i wonder if he ever wants to be here
with me
with his brothers and sisters
i wonder
i wonder why i dont talk to him about it
brushed under the rug
the way most of my problems throughout my life, from as long as i can remember
have been taken care of
not talked about
i dont want him to be like that
to not talk
talk
type
write
just get it out
i just have so much regret
i just dont know how to let go
of it all
i dont know
just babbling now
blah blah blah
dont mind me.....

remember this

after therapy last night...
and this rough week i have had...
i just want to crawl into a whole and sleep....
just sleep
i dont want to eat
i dont want to be awake...
i would love 24 hours of darkness....
talking to her last night made me not only realize that i was wrong to give him away
but now i will never have him back
i will get my visits
and now i have to press on
HOW
can someone tell me how to do this
i am much better with direction or and instructional pamphlet
my hands are shaking and i have tears streaming
I HATE THIS
it is such a helpless feeling....so fucking helpless



ok....and one side note


if you are going to comment on my blogs
i welcome you good and bad...
but put your fucking name on it...
not
birth
not you know who


michelle it is ok to comment on here...
mom you too
just let me know that it is you



for sure


i am tired of getting all these comments about how i need to be ok for my kids...
do you think for one second they see me cry or hurt or any of it.....they dont


i am leaving this go for a while...enjoy the HOT weather and my space from all of you....
just leave this alone
this has been turned into something that it should not be
remember when reading...


THIS IS MY BLOG
WHERE I WRITE IT DOWN AND LET IT GO
WHERE I AM ABLE TO FEEL
HONESTLY


remember that

yes....it still hurts

i have been doing everything in my power to not come to this page
i cant stand it, sometimes, that this page even exists
or that i had to have one
or that.....


i hate every day that he is not with me
i hate myself
for letting others influence any of my thoughts
and i hate
at the end of the day
i cannot make this ok
i cannot get him back

i just want to say
please
can i have him back now
please
i m his mother
i made a horrible decision
i can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore

it is not getting better
it is the same
if not worse

out of site out of mind
NOT
neither is the pain

no one understands it
and no one EVER will

stop pretending to care
stop trying to get close to me
to use this situation to try to bond with me

i am so tired of everyone using this baby
this adopotion to get to me
i dont like me anymore
how can a mother give up her son
the race card is old
i hate that i even began to think i understood that reason
because he is black....he couldnt be loved
and i hate that i gave into the concept of no one else could love him
accept him
well fuck you
fuck all of you that couldnt
i love him
i could have loved him enough for everyone that didnt
and what
he would have been looked at differently in school
what school
harvard
yale
not woodland hills
not anywhere

i am so mad at myself for listening to all of you
everyone
but most of all
for letting myself make a life changing decision
one that i will never be able to make right
this is a loss like no other
i wish for one fucking second that one of you could feel the hollowness that i endure daily
and people have the balls to ask whats wrong


I have a son that i miss more than you could ever imagine
he is with two men that dont even care if i am here or not
they sure did talk a good game
i gave him a name that he will never know
a name he will never be called
he will never call for me
mama


fuck

so to answer all your questions and concerns....
YES
it still fucking hurts
the more time that passes, the bigger the ache becomes
and there is no amount of therapy
or medicine
that is going to take that away

NOTHING will


yes
i want him back
everyday i regret
i hate it