please

recently
i have been doing a lot of thinking
thinking of why
thinking of why i did this....
why i dont think about him
why i block him out
and when i let him in
i ache
why no one knows about this beautiful baby
why do i hate myself so much
why
why why
i could go on and on
i put myself out here
vulnerable
all my thoughts and fears and feelings....
all for the hope that someone may try to understand how i feel


well
i get mixed emotions from people
lots of hate
lots of "what kind of person are you...
you are no mother...
what kind of mother...."

so i need to vent
and here i go


i am a good mother
i may not have tons of money and my kids may not have tons of vacations, and trips to the mall and i may yell alot
but i am here
my lap and my heart and my ears and arms are always open for them
we talk about everything
any questions they have
i answer honestly
we play and laugh
and sometimes we all fight and cry
but i love them
and the love they have for me is overwhelming


I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER
i am not a bad mother because i gave aiden away
i loved him enough to know that alot of people would have never loved him like i do
i loved him enough to give him to two parents that longed for a child and may have thought they were never gonna have one...
he made them a family
he has a family


and maybe i say these things because i am trying to convince myself
maybe

i dont know
all i know is that today i am wreck
i want him here crawling on my floor
crying for me
i want to be going crazy with laundry and kids and caos
(not that i am not already)

but i geuss i just want to be alright
I JUST WANT TO BE OK


i want everyone to leave me the fuck alone
and realize that your words hurt me
that i hurt everyday because i dont have him
and all you are doing is making it worse
do you know that?

my anonymous commenter
i am hurting
and i am crying again and i hate you
and i cannot wait for the day when i find out who it is

are you that cruel of a person to bring up feelings like this
i know what i did
i know
i know
we all know


i miss him every single fucking day of my life
i regret so much
everyday of my life
and i cant do it anymore


]please
i am begging you
please leave me alone
please let me move on

please

today

i had him brought to my attention today
my little ground hog day baby
i felt it again
his breath
my tears
the pain
i didnt know it could still be so fresh
i ache for him

aiden

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

eight months ago.......

here he is
eight months old
as much as i dont want to think about him anymore
my dreams are filled with him
i have been waking up with that lump in my throat lately
and having to hold back
i dont want to cry anymore
i dont
look at his little feet
i want to see him
to touch him
but the thought of the pain of having to leave him again is so overwhelming, that i am scared i am never going to want to see him...
i loved him enough to give him this wonderful life he has
at least that's what i keep telling myself
oh well
sigh..........................

baby goes to aruba!!!!

sweet.......

how cute is he....

breaks my heart

and melts it all at the same time

he has so much love

i just wanted to say........

i miss him......
i smelled him last night
in my dream
i miss him

no i didnt

i have not updated in a while
trying to stay away
from everything
out of site out of mind
yeah
i wish it worked that way
i did not go see aiden
i was sick to my stomach for the weeks before and now
i just feel like i have let him down
as i have many others in my life time and again
i just couldnt bring myself to touch him again
to go through that pain again
selfish?
yeah probably
i think of him more now than ever
wondering if he is clapping, sitting, crawling
wondering if he is wants my arms to hold him
the first hand that touched his...
it rips me apart daily
i hate this