This day never gets easier!!

lucas is 2

what a beautiful baby...
i want to see him ... play
laugh
love him
happy birthday aiden

cant sleep

trying to explain feelings like these to someone is bullshit
two years now and the second i fall asleep..
i feel it
i hear the door shut
hear the wheels of the babys hopspital bed wheel away
wanting to run and grab him
feeling his breath on my face...
my tears..
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i want to just run...run away from this day
hey everyone
its ground hog day
and aidens day
the lump returns..
the hurt in my heart is here
i long to hear him laugh and still makes my whole body ache that i am not the one holding him when he cries..
happy birthday aiden
aiden william
lucas aiden
you are missed.......................








still

still

still ...
still today i am bothered
by memories of the hospital
still ..
today the feelings flood back
it still hurts
but happy birthday aiden william
i love you

feb 2

lucas is turning 2
feb second
the dads had mentioned me coming for his party
i am fine with it..until it gets closer
then i tense up
i am sure the hellos and goodbyes will get easier with time
but saying goodbye is soooooooooo hard
he is a cutie tho..his laugh
i hear it when i look at his photos
i miss him

christmas 2009

here is lucas
aiden
just gorgeous!!!
merry christmas

finally....

i did it...i went to see lucas aiden

i cannot tell you what an amazing child he is..

his dads..they just adore hime

he is beautiful..

i have no words today...

well....yeah

not even sure if anyone reads this anymore
i want to see him so bad
the dads emails are short and vague
i try not to think about it
about him
but it is sort of impossible
i think of how nice and caring they were
how much they called me
hoe much they wanted to see how i was
and how good it felt...
how good i felt about the situation...
something good out of something bad...
and then the calls started dwindling
so did the emails and now i have to ask for pictures
i never felt so used
and believe me..
being honest,
i have been used...
but they got what they wanted
and so did i
i geuss
a good family for him
i just pray that they tell him that i do love him
and that i think of him every day
that i gave him to his family cause i love him
i am scared for him
to know that i gave him up
i dont know
the whole thing is that i want to see him
i want the dads to call me and ask me how i fucking am
to say thank you, send me a card on mothers day..or at least an email
and some say well, you know what you did, this was your decision and it was and
i chose to do this
i chose them...for one
because they were gay and I know ALOT of people WOULD NOT give a gay couple a child...
i thought i would be making a family...i did...i gave them their family..
i got a basket of carnations, a thank you, a scar, a sadness that will never leave my soul
and they got a life, a family..happiness that some will never know...

pain

i am so sorry.....

how did i do this?

happy easter aiden....lucas aiden

happy easter aiden

what a smile...

he is starting to look more like me

and is totally gorgeous!

looking at these

makes me have so much regret

instead of feeling happy ...

i am sick to my stomach

why did i ever let him go

where am i?

well...its easter and i have no heard from the dads since his birthday
i know the phone and email work both ways
but you would think
like wow she gave us our family
she gave us lucas
she gave us a piece of herself
i mean, that day is so fresh in my mind, i get choked up thinking about it
i still remember having to leave that room
wanting to run back as the elevator doors closed
and i want to blame everyone
my family
my husband
cause i know he came from something so bad
but he is a part of me
me
that i had to give up

so no i am not ok anymore
just cause i dont talk about it
or blog about it
i am not
i dont know if i ever will
and it doesnt help that
i rarely get anything from them
a picture here and there....
i get a meet me half way in a hotel you probably cant afford
not come see where your baby is going to live and grow into a man
not come meet his family
or see how he is loved
nothing
i have felt like an outsider since i got the flowers with a card in it
"thanks will never be enough"
i feel left out
i feel like they were so in my ass for so many months while i was pregnant.
and
now nothing
you know
i chose you
i chose you because not many people would and i thought you would just love him to peices and i am sure you are
i am just real mad
mad at the way i thought things would go and they arent
i dont know him
and i am sure as hell he doesnt know me
it hurts so much every day
and instead of getting better
its getting worse
it hurts
i am just getting better at hiding it
all the people that were around me for so long, are gone
not only did i choose a wonderful family for aiden,
i thought it would be a part of me...an extended family


happy fucking easter!

i dont know what the hell..........

i know you must all be wondering what the hell has happened to me
but i have no news
cause i have not emailed him
not thought...thats a lie
i think of him everyday
but i havent gotten any news since his birthday
and we just couldnt get it together for a visit
and well
in that time
i just realized that i am not ready
for any of it
in one way i want more than anything to see him
hold him
smell him
and in another
nothing at all
and i dont know what end of the spectrum to travel
i seem to have went to depressed..to hating everyone around me
see
i really havent hear from anyone family memeber since my sons birthday
i mean
whatever
i just am better off alone like this
no one to aggrevate
i want to see aiden
and i am scared
too scared to do it
i have been a coward a lot of my life
why stop now

no visit

well...i tried to get the first birthday pics on here...but for some reason i cant
so you will have to wait
but as for all the emails and comments about my visit
it didnt happen
i dont know
i thought i was ready
that first morning
i was ready
packed, presents....canceled
and then i dont know
i was feeling fine....excited and the night before
a mess
i couldnt do it
i know that i need to
for me and for him
i am just not doing to well right now
the last month has been horrible for me for some reason
anxiety attacks are coming out of theblue
and the week of his birthday....
well
it took a lot for me to go through everyday with a smile
i am getting better and getting back to me
jen

well

so i know you are all waiting to hear what happened
and well
you will have to wait another week
rick got sick and joe was gonna bring lucas by himself, but
with the weather and everything we decided to wait til next week
so we can all be together
so...i look forward to next week
ill keep you posted
thanks for all your kind words
i love you guys

it is coming!

so the day is finally arriving!!!
i am going to meet lucas
i knew aiden....
i am now going to meet lucas
i geuss if i put it that way, i can deal with it better
and i try to convince myself that he was never mine in a way
that i am meeting joe and ricks son
friends of mine
that dont work!!!
i am a mess right now
i am sure that some of my family thinks this is a mistake
but i dont give a shit
this is something i want
that i think we both need in the long run!
i am dreaming of him again
those horrible nightmares of him screaming for me in the hospital
and now some nights...it is present time
and when i leave the visit
he is crying with his arms out for me
i pray to god that something in him remembers my voice
and i hope that joe and rick will give me some time with him
to walk and talk to him
just to play with him
if lucas is ok with that
i am a wreck people
nervous
excited
sad
happy
a little bit of everything!!!
jan 17th
that is the day
i cannot wait...

lucas aiden....first christmas

just thought id share...
merry christmas lucas...
love you

to my newbies...

well..
what a pleasant surprise today
i checked my email and have new comments
thank you is all i can say
i dont even think, really, when i write these
they just come out
like my fingers are just moving

thank you thank you thank you my new readers
your words mean a lot


i tried to stay positive during christmas
tried to think of him laughing and opening gifts or eating the paper
watching my nephew who is only a little older, i think a month or so...
i thought of him
i thought of aiden
i thought of joe and rick laughing with him
and how thankful they must be to have a "family" this year
and while my heart and body ached this year
thoughts of their happines made the pain a little less harsh
i think my illness, the flu, or whatever i had could have been due to the gut wrenching crying i did on chrismas eve
after the kids went to bed, i wrapped and built and then just stared at the tree lights....blurred by tears...
but i was ok
i am ok
these next few weeks are going to be really hard for me
i am anitcipating the visit i am going to have with him
jan 17th
i am going to see him
to hold him again
and again, have to give him back
i am sure the visits will get easier as the years pass....but please
say a little prayer for me
that in the month to come...that i hold it together
i am sure i will
on the outside
but i am scared, nervous, excited....
and really mixed up...
just keep me in your thoughts...please
i am not backing out of this visit!

flashbacks

so...
i just thought i would blog this
last week, i had some female problems and was rushed into magee er
everything is fine,
but it didnt even dawn on me until leaving the building
i hadnt been there since i left aiden...
and it came rushing over me like a huge wave of emotion
that feeling
of stepping off of that elevator
with my legs weak
tears flowing uncontrolably and the nurse in the elevator holding me
i loved her
she sat with me every night there..
she wasnt a nurse...she was the blood pressure lady
lol
but she stayed to walk me out
asking me if i was sure..



the lump returned



i sat in the lobby...
looking at the big windows
and i never wanted out of one place so much in my life

wish you were here

the day is slowly appraoching
the day fo aidens birth
and on feb 2
i dont know what i am going to do
i think i will save money and shop
and clean
and i dont fucking know
i was reminded again last night of him
going through christmas pictures,
my pregnant belly
i thought no one would see
and some really probably didnt...
cause they are too caught up in them selves to notice
but i looked
and i remember how i just wanted it to be over
and now i long for him to be back in there
feeling him kick
and holding my belly
i rearranged my closet
and there it was
the box
do you know that i can still smell him on that hat
looking at that pacifier
i almost fell to the floor last night
holding that blanket to my face
i actually held the cloth that i wiped my mascarad tears with
i hate that box and i would like to have someone that is close to me
keep it for me
i dont want to throw it away,
but i cannot have it in my house anymore
i sat and looked at all the pictures from the hospital
and i felt the room closing in on me
i lose my breath
i can feel me heart beating
and i am numb
he doesnt even know me
and i dont know what i am doing
do i just get rid of everything
i wish i could get rid of all this shit in my head
all of it
but most of all
i wish he was here
all the time